I started this blog because I thought I had all these great, smart, enchanting things to say and now that I am actually writing I'm kind of....stuck. I don't have a cool enough life to simply write about all the awesome adventures I go on and I'm too selfconscious to really write about all the crazy thoughts that go through my head all the time. And we all know I'm far from simply amazing and can write about mundane things and make them sound fascinating. BUT I wrote a rather (well i think anyway) nice little post and I wanted to share it and we all know that only happens if you blog. So here it is.
"The LIfe That Passes Us
I found a quote today that sums up how I feel and oddly, It's how everyone feels. It's funny how unmatched you think you are. How every emotion that flickers through your body is your own, unique and indescribable. But it isn't and somehow knowing that you aren't alone, it makes it okay. It makes you much less of a freak and much more...dare I say normal... a work that I have shied away from my entire life.
I never wanted to be normal, I never wanted to be like everyone else. But i do now. i want to know I'm not the only one lost and scared and alone and confused and crazy.
The only one that stares at time as if it is taunting me.
That hears the whispers of the live I haven't lived in the dead of the night. That pictures myself in Ireland and Asia, Russia and The South Pole. That wants the rocking chair in the front of the house staring at the sunset, just as badly as I want to be at the top of Mount Everest. That wants the impossbile just as badly as I want the mundane. The want to be old just as much as the want to be young.
That's easily the hardest port of "growing up" the realization that if you want life, you have to make it, and that for every blessing there is a sacrifice. I've been told I'm having a hard time "growing up" and to that I say, Yes. Forever and ever will I want two seperate and opposite things all at the same time. It's life. And the older you get the easier it is to deal with and see the "bigger picture" and crap but right now I'm barely tipping the iceberg, and I want the whole thing. "
I don't know what kind of mood I was in when I wrote that but I kind of like it. It flips off the adults of the world while yelling "I'm getting there". Everyone hides from growing up, everyone. Some people party, some people become couch potatoes, some people simply don't move forward. I chose the latter. I hate making decisions about the future. I feel like one wrong choice, one foot in the wrong direction and I'm going to go tumbling down this cliff that doesn't end. That doesn't slow and let me off. That doesn't ask "Still want to go this way?" And if i politely say no It will stop me from tumbling and put me back at the top of the mountain ready to start all over again.
I can control so many aspects of my life-how happy I am, how i react to things, who i marry, when i marry (an idea that is as daunting as it is liberating). I just hate the feeling that i can't, or won't, or don't, control something in my life. Or even worse-that I choose wrong and screw my life up.
"The LIfe That Passes Us
I found a quote today that sums up how I feel and oddly, It's how everyone feels. It's funny how unmatched you think you are. How every emotion that flickers through your body is your own, unique and indescribable. But it isn't and somehow knowing that you aren't alone, it makes it okay. It makes you much less of a freak and much more...dare I say normal... a work that I have shied away from my entire life.
I never wanted to be normal, I never wanted to be like everyone else. But i do now. i want to know I'm not the only one lost and scared and alone and confused and crazy.
The only one that stares at time as if it is taunting me.
That hears the whispers of the live I haven't lived in the dead of the night. That pictures myself in Ireland and Asia, Russia and The South Pole. That wants the rocking chair in the front of the house staring at the sunset, just as badly as I want to be at the top of Mount Everest. That wants the impossbile just as badly as I want the mundane. The want to be old just as much as the want to be young.
That's easily the hardest port of "growing up" the realization that if you want life, you have to make it, and that for every blessing there is a sacrifice. I've been told I'm having a hard time "growing up" and to that I say, Yes. Forever and ever will I want two seperate and opposite things all at the same time. It's life. And the older you get the easier it is to deal with and see the "bigger picture" and crap but right now I'm barely tipping the iceberg, and I want the whole thing. "
I don't know what kind of mood I was in when I wrote that but I kind of like it. It flips off the adults of the world while yelling "I'm getting there". Everyone hides from growing up, everyone. Some people party, some people become couch potatoes, some people simply don't move forward. I chose the latter. I hate making decisions about the future. I feel like one wrong choice, one foot in the wrong direction and I'm going to go tumbling down this cliff that doesn't end. That doesn't slow and let me off. That doesn't ask "Still want to go this way?" And if i politely say no It will stop me from tumbling and put me back at the top of the mountain ready to start all over again.
I can control so many aspects of my life-how happy I am, how i react to things, who i marry, when i marry (an idea that is as daunting as it is liberating). I just hate the feeling that i can't, or won't, or don't, control something in my life. Or even worse-that I choose wrong and screw my life up.
