Friday, May 27, 2011
Big Jet Plane
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Happy Post
Good times to be had by all!
Actually not so much. If these past two years have taught me anything it's this: Life often sucks. Hard. So with that in mind I would also like to state this: It also rocks. Hard.
And it's how we keep these two from getting too out of hand that I want to speak on tonight.
Suckiness goes first:
I have seriously dated ONE man. One. I'm twenty years old.
The total number of dates I have been on in MY LIFE I can count on TWO hands. Only two (and for you slow folks out there it's less then ten [or maybe about ten, I wasn't thinking it was going to become this big of an issue so I never kept track. but it isn't a whole lot])
I had ONE best friend in high school, like straight soul mate status, and she left directly after high school and I had ZERO friends for almost two years (That would be how my sister and I became so close)
I hated school and decided college was not for me (I no longer stand by that idea for anyone looking for some solid life lessons)
I found an amazing job and work for amazing people but strongly dislike law (I also SUCK at it) and let me tell you when work is the only thing you have going in your life when you aren't good at it you might as well go and kill yourself. Cause you feel about that good.
Now you might be saying "Goll Kayla, your life isn't that bad." And you would be right. I had a job, period, I lived with my family and no bills, period. But I felt that I was hating myself and my life more often than not and that quickly can lead to allot of things ie. drugs, alcohol, depression, suicide, theatre. And I didn't want any of those things so I did something else and here it comes:
The FIX ALL:
Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ.
So easy, doesn't even take up a whole line.
Now this fix it isn't easy (hardly) but it is the only one that works. I found very quickly that even though I had people in my life that love me, you know who you are, they had lives and problems of their own and couldn't sit and baby me while I was having a hard time, it's all good, you're forgiven. But there was someone there that could and would and still will: Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. And sometimes they were the only ones that wanted to hear about how I saw a guy who was so cute and we could so have cute babies and how I wanted to be married and how I was made for so many good things and why was I fat and why didn't men like me and did people lie when they said I was funny cause no guy seems to like me?
And I cried alot. A LOT. But I made it through, and it turned out to be a huge growing experience and I'm...stronger...oddly enough. I look at women now and yes I understand their desire to have a man but I can also say "Learn. Take this time to see more deeply what you want, and to appreciate a man for what he truly will be and to see what you will be. And just grow."
OH and my other tip: Laugh. Often, and hard. Sometimes that was the only thing that kept me from getting all emotional and crazy cutter lady on people. It works.
And in case my words have given you nothing to think about/suck I leave you with this amazing quote:
"The cure for anything is salt water: sweat, tears, or the sea."
--Isak Dinesen
And I completely stand by that. Have a happy week all.
Actually not so much. If these past two years have taught me anything it's this: Life often sucks. Hard. So with that in mind I would also like to state this: It also rocks. Hard.
And it's how we keep these two from getting too out of hand that I want to speak on tonight.
Suckiness goes first:
I have seriously dated ONE man. One. I'm twenty years old.
The total number of dates I have been on in MY LIFE I can count on TWO hands. Only two (and for you slow folks out there it's less then ten [or maybe about ten, I wasn't thinking it was going to become this big of an issue so I never kept track. but it isn't a whole lot])
I had ONE best friend in high school, like straight soul mate status, and she left directly after high school and I had ZERO friends for almost two years (That would be how my sister and I became so close)
I hated school and decided college was not for me (I no longer stand by that idea for anyone looking for some solid life lessons)
I found an amazing job and work for amazing people but strongly dislike law (I also SUCK at it) and let me tell you when work is the only thing you have going in your life when you aren't good at it you might as well go and kill yourself. Cause you feel about that good.
Now you might be saying "Goll Kayla, your life isn't that bad." And you would be right. I had a job, period, I lived with my family and no bills, period. But I felt that I was hating myself and my life more often than not and that quickly can lead to allot of things ie. drugs, alcohol, depression, suicide, theatre. And I didn't want any of those things so I did something else and here it comes:
The FIX ALL:
Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ.
So easy, doesn't even take up a whole line.
Now this fix it isn't easy (hardly) but it is the only one that works. I found very quickly that even though I had people in my life that love me, you know who you are, they had lives and problems of their own and couldn't sit and baby me while I was having a hard time, it's all good, you're forgiven. But there was someone there that could and would and still will: Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. And sometimes they were the only ones that wanted to hear about how I saw a guy who was so cute and we could so have cute babies and how I wanted to be married and how I was made for so many good things and why was I fat and why didn't men like me and did people lie when they said I was funny cause no guy seems to like me?
And I cried alot. A LOT. But I made it through, and it turned out to be a huge growing experience and I'm...stronger...oddly enough. I look at women now and yes I understand their desire to have a man but I can also say "Learn. Take this time to see more deeply what you want, and to appreciate a man for what he truly will be and to see what you will be. And just grow."
OH and my other tip: Laugh. Often, and hard. Sometimes that was the only thing that kept me from getting all emotional and crazy cutter lady on people. It works.
And in case my words have given you nothing to think about/suck I leave you with this amazing quote:
"The cure for anything is salt water: sweat, tears, or the sea."
--Isak Dinesen
And I completely stand by that. Have a happy week all.
Monday, May 9, 2011
Mothers Day
Well technically it's the day after Mothers Day but I just...well I have this thought....and it won't go away....so here it is.
We are all Mothers.
My friend had to give a talk in church today...or yesterday, technically, and to a room full of single non mothering woman talking about being a mom is going to be either pointless or a whole lot of hypotheticals. But my friend found a talk and I read this talk and immediatly one thing stuck out to me: Mothers are awesome. And I said that to her, and she pretty much said I didn't get it. And then she went on to talk about how it isn't Mothers that are awesome but the qualities of Mothers is awesome, a quality that all women possess. And how as a women we don't need to have a child to be Mothers.
And it took my breath away, me who is almost twenty one and about to embark on a journey that is opposite of men and a family, me, who has recently decided that kids were a long, long ways off, sucked up this concept with every fiber of my being. Clung to this idea that I can be something, train for something, prepare for something that scares me to death. That in my ability to love everyone, to be kind, to trust, to hold, to respect, to look after, to serve, I better myself for when I have children of my own (oh yuck barf). I'm sorry, I love kids, I really, really do. I always have. Heck I was told from the time I turned ten until the day I stopped babysitting constantly, 18, that I was going to make an amazing Mother. But lately....I just can't picture kids, I know I will have them, my life wouldn't be complete without kids, but it's still so far off that just the idea of kids makes me sick to my stomach.
Sorry, off point. Moral: We are all Mothers, whether we have kids or not, and we need to act like it.
The End. Happy Mothers Day.
We are all Mothers.
My friend had to give a talk in church today...or yesterday, technically, and to a room full of single non mothering woman talking about being a mom is going to be either pointless or a whole lot of hypotheticals. But my friend found a talk and I read this talk and immediatly one thing stuck out to me: Mothers are awesome. And I said that to her, and she pretty much said I didn't get it. And then she went on to talk about how it isn't Mothers that are awesome but the qualities of Mothers is awesome, a quality that all women possess. And how as a women we don't need to have a child to be Mothers.
And it took my breath away, me who is almost twenty one and about to embark on a journey that is opposite of men and a family, me, who has recently decided that kids were a long, long ways off, sucked up this concept with every fiber of my being. Clung to this idea that I can be something, train for something, prepare for something that scares me to death. That in my ability to love everyone, to be kind, to trust, to hold, to respect, to look after, to serve, I better myself for when I have children of my own (oh yuck barf). I'm sorry, I love kids, I really, really do. I always have. Heck I was told from the time I turned ten until the day I stopped babysitting constantly, 18, that I was going to make an amazing Mother. But lately....I just can't picture kids, I know I will have them, my life wouldn't be complete without kids, but it's still so far off that just the idea of kids makes me sick to my stomach.
Sorry, off point. Moral: We are all Mothers, whether we have kids or not, and we need to act like it.
The End. Happy Mothers Day.
Monday, May 2, 2011
The World Around Us
I had a tough weekend this past week. On Thursday April 28, 2011 I found out that someone I love very very much could be sick, extremely sick, life changing sick. I cried. I did my homework, I checked life expectancy, I checked symptoms, I checked how it would affect that person and me and my family. And I cried some more. I thought about my Mission and what to do about that. I thought about my family and how things will change. I covered alot of ground. And we didn't tell anyone. We kept it to ourselves because we weren't 100% sure this person was really sick. We were waiting for one last, final, big, thorough test to tell us exactly what was wrong. And so I prayed. A quick prayer that asked Heavenly Father to help me, to get me through this, and to keep me strong. And I was okay. I made it through work, I made it through the weekend and on Saturday night I got on my knees and prayed again.
And I did something I don't normally do. I asked my Father in heaven something bold, something I knew he could do but I wasn't sure I was entitled to, I asked him to cure someone I loved, to not only grant me the strength to endure, if this sickness was his will, but if possible to take this sickness away, to move a mountain, my mountain. I cried, I cried because I wanted it, more than I wanted anything at the moment, but it felt selfish, and I knew that Heavenly Father doesn't give you what you want, but what you need. And so I cried because I thought I had already lost.
--Now I want something to be clear, when I got the news my mind split in two about my Mission, me going, or me staying. The sickness that this person had wasn't something that happened quickly, they could live another 20-50 years, but it was a somewhat unpredictable sickness in that it weakens you, so time wasn't always on your side. But more importantly was how my family was going to do with this sickness, could they handle such an important person being sick? And another thought hit me, it was something I had heard from alot of Sister Missionaries "It's amazing the things Satan will throw at you before your Mission to keep you from going." Was this a test? Was this Satan? And in that moment, with those questions, my mind snapped to one decision and clung with all it's might. I was going. Before I even said my quick prayer at work, through the tears and the wikipedia searching I knew I was still going. Nothing would ever change that.--
So during my prayer on Saturday night I did something I wasn't very proud of, I threw my Mission at The Lord, not an 'in your face' kind of thing but in a 'what about this?' way. A 'what about me? what about our plans? Why are you killing this person that I love and need?' and I fasted the next day. Keeping this person in mind and hoping for the impossible.
And I pushed all sadness away. I pushed away being upset and scared until we got the last test results back, until it was final. And I can say that I was....fine. Completely and totally fine. I'm not sure how I was going to be when I got the results back, when I knew that it was serious, that this person was sick and that wasn't going to change. But I was so....okay. I was also very sure and very ready to accept that this person was sick. That it was final. But I felt that my fast was already helping me because I was stronger, steadier. I was still sad, it was sad. But everything would be okay, honestly, looking back, I shouldn't have felt like that. At. All.
And then I saw this person this morning. Goll this perfect person, this person I love so much, and I talked to them and they told me a story about a sister missionary, and I cried a little as I drove away to go to work. And three hours later I got a call.
"Everything is fine. It was a false alarm. The Doctor doesn't understand what happened. He's pissed." And I was so relieved. Still am. I don't....I don't know how to explain it. I'm so....touched, amazed, inspired, shocked, awed, grateful for my Father in Heaven, for fasting, for prayers, for miracles, for my life, for my decisions, for my faith and at this moment, I'm most thankful for the ability, in two months time, to be able to share this gospel with everyone. To bear testimony to miracles, to faith, to moments in life when we don't think we can stand and to Heavenly Father who carries us. To moments when Heavenly Father moves mountains, and my faith, that is as small as a mustard seed. And the ability for everyone to have moments just like these.
And I did something I don't normally do. I asked my Father in heaven something bold, something I knew he could do but I wasn't sure I was entitled to, I asked him to cure someone I loved, to not only grant me the strength to endure, if this sickness was his will, but if possible to take this sickness away, to move a mountain, my mountain. I cried, I cried because I wanted it, more than I wanted anything at the moment, but it felt selfish, and I knew that Heavenly Father doesn't give you what you want, but what you need. And so I cried because I thought I had already lost.
--Now I want something to be clear, when I got the news my mind split in two about my Mission, me going, or me staying. The sickness that this person had wasn't something that happened quickly, they could live another 20-50 years, but it was a somewhat unpredictable sickness in that it weakens you, so time wasn't always on your side. But more importantly was how my family was going to do with this sickness, could they handle such an important person being sick? And another thought hit me, it was something I had heard from alot of Sister Missionaries "It's amazing the things Satan will throw at you before your Mission to keep you from going." Was this a test? Was this Satan? And in that moment, with those questions, my mind snapped to one decision and clung with all it's might. I was going. Before I even said my quick prayer at work, through the tears and the wikipedia searching I knew I was still going. Nothing would ever change that.--
So during my prayer on Saturday night I did something I wasn't very proud of, I threw my Mission at The Lord, not an 'in your face' kind of thing but in a 'what about this?' way. A 'what about me? what about our plans? Why are you killing this person that I love and need?' and I fasted the next day. Keeping this person in mind and hoping for the impossible.
And I pushed all sadness away. I pushed away being upset and scared until we got the last test results back, until it was final. And I can say that I was....fine. Completely and totally fine. I'm not sure how I was going to be when I got the results back, when I knew that it was serious, that this person was sick and that wasn't going to change. But I was so....okay. I was also very sure and very ready to accept that this person was sick. That it was final. But I felt that my fast was already helping me because I was stronger, steadier. I was still sad, it was sad. But everything would be okay, honestly, looking back, I shouldn't have felt like that. At. All.
And then I saw this person this morning. Goll this perfect person, this person I love so much, and I talked to them and they told me a story about a sister missionary, and I cried a little as I drove away to go to work. And three hours later I got a call.
"Everything is fine. It was a false alarm. The Doctor doesn't understand what happened. He's pissed." And I was so relieved. Still am. I don't....I don't know how to explain it. I'm so....touched, amazed, inspired, shocked, awed, grateful for my Father in Heaven, for fasting, for prayers, for miracles, for my life, for my decisions, for my faith and at this moment, I'm most thankful for the ability, in two months time, to be able to share this gospel with everyone. To bear testimony to miracles, to faith, to moments in life when we don't think we can stand and to Heavenly Father who carries us. To moments when Heavenly Father moves mountains, and my faith, that is as small as a mustard seed. And the ability for everyone to have moments just like these.
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