These are my last days.
These are my last moments.
These are the last pictures these eyes will see.
This is my last smile, to the last boy I will talk to.
The sun is brighter through my window, knowing it will die when I go.
And for this moment, this last fleeting moment, the world seems so perfect to me. So wonderful in all it's simple plainness I wonder why I wanted to leave it.
The pool I found boring, the pink sun kissed skin, splashes, all better than before.
The air is crisper, the time faster.
I love the art of dying.
But I love the art of living even more.
I, am happy.
Monday, June 27, 2011
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Happy Late Fathers Day
Yay! Fathers Day!!
Poor Dads, I don't think they get nearly enought attention on Fathers day. Mother days, pft, if you don't do something for your Mom you're either an axe murderer or just a complete and total jerk that will obviously go to places where fire burns constantly.
But Fathers day, well it's kind of okay to skip. Give him food. Give him clothes. Give him time where he doesn't have to move from the couch/bed, and your debt to him is repaid. It's sad.
But this post is about how amazing my Father is, yet this still isn't a gift to him since he doesn't read my blog and will never see this, lame Dad.
Anyway!
Today we hiked, just me and him.
And I love to hike, I really do, but I'm horrible at it. I'm overweight and out of shape and my Father.....isn't. He's incredibly small, it's unfair really. But we hiked anyway! Because we both love the outdoors and spending time together (my Fathers becomes REALLY funny when you can't run from him) and fresh air and moving our legs and all that stuff. And because my Father is such an avid, athletic, hiker he picked all kind of crazy FIVE HOUR hikes that I quickly shot down and we settled on a moderately easy two hour round trip hike.
WELL, that bilboard LIED, the hike was much tougher (and longer) than that. Which I very quickly saw when we got five feet from the car and I couldn't breathe!
And this is when I start to fall in love with my Dad: He LIED to me. Well kind of lied. Every, oh I don't know, five minutes (sometimes more depending on how steep the climb was) he would suddenly look back, see me dying and decide he needs to stop and check the map (um who are you fooling Dad? We're on a straight trail) or stare at a plant that could possibly be poisonious so I needed to stare at it too for five minutes and memorize it so neither of us brush up against it, or is suddenly horribly winded and needs to stop, or wants to just double check that we didn't possibly get off the trail and see that map again. FOR THE WHOLE HIKE.
He didn't rush me, he didn't yell at me, he didn't get upset with me, he didn't make fun of me, he didn't criticize me, he didn't ask if I wanted to quit, he didn't growl or roll his eyes or glare or get mad because I was slow he LIED and made it look like it was him that needed to stop. He never admitted that either, he even went so far as to say he was getting old and that he really did need to stop, but I knew he was lying, and it was the best lying of my life.
And that is why my Dad is perfect. He wants to spend time with his children so badly, he'll lie to keep them coming back, to keep them as comfortable as possible, to take away their weakness.
My Dad is amazing. Period.
Poor Dads, I don't think they get nearly enought attention on Fathers day. Mother days, pft, if you don't do something for your Mom you're either an axe murderer or just a complete and total jerk that will obviously go to places where fire burns constantly.
But Fathers day, well it's kind of okay to skip. Give him food. Give him clothes. Give him time where he doesn't have to move from the couch/bed, and your debt to him is repaid. It's sad.
But this post is about how amazing my Father is, yet this still isn't a gift to him since he doesn't read my blog and will never see this, lame Dad.
Anyway!
Today we hiked, just me and him.
And I love to hike, I really do, but I'm horrible at it. I'm overweight and out of shape and my Father.....isn't. He's incredibly small, it's unfair really. But we hiked anyway! Because we both love the outdoors and spending time together (my Fathers becomes REALLY funny when you can't run from him) and fresh air and moving our legs and all that stuff. And because my Father is such an avid, athletic, hiker he picked all kind of crazy FIVE HOUR hikes that I quickly shot down and we settled on a moderately easy two hour round trip hike.
WELL, that bilboard LIED, the hike was much tougher (and longer) than that. Which I very quickly saw when we got five feet from the car and I couldn't breathe!
And this is when I start to fall in love with my Dad: He LIED to me. Well kind of lied. Every, oh I don't know, five minutes (sometimes more depending on how steep the climb was) he would suddenly look back, see me dying and decide he needs to stop and check the map (um who are you fooling Dad? We're on a straight trail) or stare at a plant that could possibly be poisonious so I needed to stare at it too for five minutes and memorize it so neither of us brush up against it, or is suddenly horribly winded and needs to stop, or wants to just double check that we didn't possibly get off the trail and see that map again. FOR THE WHOLE HIKE.
He didn't rush me, he didn't yell at me, he didn't get upset with me, he didn't make fun of me, he didn't criticize me, he didn't ask if I wanted to quit, he didn't growl or roll his eyes or glare or get mad because I was slow he LIED and made it look like it was him that needed to stop. He never admitted that either, he even went so far as to say he was getting old and that he really did need to stop, but I knew he was lying, and it was the best lying of my life.
And that is why my Dad is perfect. He wants to spend time with his children so badly, he'll lie to keep them coming back, to keep them as comfortable as possible, to take away their weakness.
My Dad is amazing. Period.
Sunday, June 19, 2011
My farewell talk
I give my farewell talk in church next Sunday, scary, and my Bishop still hasn't given me a topic to speak on. So I'm pretty much using my authority as an indpendent woman, that's really in the Singles Ward, and telling my home ward Bishop what I want to do my talk on The Holy Ghost.
It's going to be awesome. And scary. You should come.
I'll even try and be funny, no promises though.
Kayla out.
It's going to be awesome. And scary. You should come.
I'll even try and be funny, no promises though.
Kayla out.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Oh the hypocrisy
I haven't posted since I quit my job, now that I have all this time I'm obviously too busy to get on and post, rude.
Anyway, sad day: I had to take back my ipod touch. And because I was so mad at it, it freakin gave me problems from day ONE, I told the lady I didn't want a new ipod touch, I wanted just a simple IPod. So I took it back and got an IPod classic, 160 GB ftw, and saved fifty bucks, but now I miss my IPod touch. IT HAD FACEBOOK ON IT, I pretty much forgot what a computer was because it had so many freaking amazing apps on it.
Well I'm just going to have to man up because I couldn't take the IPod touch with me into the mission field anyways. But I can take this new, less cool, IPod though. Whatevs. I'm turning my life over to the Lord and all that jazz. Just kidding I'm totally serious about being spiritual and stuff. Anyway, have a great week!
Anyway, sad day: I had to take back my ipod touch. And because I was so mad at it, it freakin gave me problems from day ONE, I told the lady I didn't want a new ipod touch, I wanted just a simple IPod. So I took it back and got an IPod classic, 160 GB ftw, and saved fifty bucks, but now I miss my IPod touch. IT HAD FACEBOOK ON IT, I pretty much forgot what a computer was because it had so many freaking amazing apps on it.
Well I'm just going to have to man up because I couldn't take the IPod touch with me into the mission field anyways. But I can take this new, less cool, IPod though. Whatevs. I'm turning my life over to the Lord and all that jazz. Just kidding I'm totally serious about being spiritual and stuff. Anyway, have a great week!
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Appreciate your location in life
Funniest thing? I just got to end my job, my (mostly, always) boring job that was super stressful and that I was absolutely horrible at, and as I sit in my house I look around me and think "What the heck am I going to do?" I always appreciated my job, knew that it made me money, and that I could NOT have a job and how much that was going to suck. And even as I was preparing myself to quit I kind of paded my goodbye, I psyched myself up, telling myself I WAS going to miss things but that I would be okay, that I might very well find moments where I wish I hadn't quit it so early because I could and would and will get bored.
But as I sat in my room and glanced around I got this feeling, this creepy, small, lonely feeling, that my life had so much more meaning in it when I had a job. That I had people that depended on me, that I had something I would plan around, that I had this wonderful constant in my life, and now that's gone.
It's making me sad in a completely different way. Never, ever, under appreciate what you have, even if you think you aren't, there's always something you aren't putting into the equation. And that something is always the one that comes up and bites you in the butt later.
But as I sat in my room and glanced around I got this feeling, this creepy, small, lonely feeling, that my life had so much more meaning in it when I had a job. That I had people that depended on me, that I had something I would plan around, that I had this wonderful constant in my life, and now that's gone.
It's making me sad in a completely different way. Never, ever, under appreciate what you have, even if you think you aren't, there's always something you aren't putting into the equation. And that something is always the one that comes up and bites you in the butt later.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
My Days
My days are filled with trying to kick a cold, and writing a handsome boy, trying to stay positive about leaving, and leaving room for honesty, trying to be strong yet admitting that It's okay to be afraid, staring at my sister and asking myself what I will do without her, changing my hair and wondering why the heck I did that, painting my nails and feeling like a different person, trying to remember to eat, and then to not eat too much, saying goodbye, and then saying hello, packing up clothes, then wondering what I'm going to wear, being forgiving, then being forgiven, wondering, and then praying, crying and then wondering why I can't, my room, the world, my car, my feet, life, and everything inside of it.
Keep your eyes awake and your heart fresh, never ever be afraid to smile, let your heart see things in a new light, and let it close for the day at times, sleep can and will cure all problems, use it often.
Keep your eyes awake and your heart fresh, never ever be afraid to smile, let your heart see things in a new light, and let it close for the day at times, sleep can and will cure all problems, use it often.
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Scratch that
Whilst that last post IS a good song, this one is much better for describing my mood. AKA I'm being emo. Bear with me.
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