Are you ready for marriage?

I had a little epiphany today and I just thought I would share. It was while I was vacuuming, such a wonderful pastime, and it just hit me. Man, I was so unprepared for marriage. So unprepared. Which is odd for many reasons.


1. I had seen PLENTY of Disney movies.


2. I knew men were nothing like those Disney Princes.


3. I knew marriage was hard, it required sacrifice and that it wasn't going to always be like the honeymoon.

I'm a fairly optimistic person, but I am VERY good at seeing the worst in a situation and/or preparing for the worst. i.e. I prepared myself for the thought that possibly, my husband could have anger problems and hulk out and beat me or something (see that's a prepared person right there).


4. I prepared myself for "the change," the transition that a man goes through when he upgrades from boyfriend to husband. 

I heard it was ugly. I heard they forget what flowers are. I heard romance is a thing of the past. And I prepared accordingly.


I'm trying to say I was READY. And by ready I mean I was scared. I was fickle and I was darn picky. And when I met my husband, I didn't even consider marrying him. I was closed off, I was waiting for the "perfect one," the one where you know.


But not like how other people know, where it's super annoying, but how I would know.


We would click. We'd be in sync. We'd like each other's stuff and feed off each other and we wouldn't even annoy other people with our lovey dovey stuff we'd be so cool. That's how I thought it would be.


And I was wrong. But that's okay.


And I'm not going to tell you how I knew my husband was meant for me, because I think that's such a unique, personal experience (AND SO DIFFERENT FOR EACH PERSON!!) that putting mine down would make someone out there think that theirs should be like mine. And it shouldn't. It should be your own.


But there is something I want to say.


Marriage is so much more about you as a person than you as "twain".


I thought my husband needed to be smart and good looking and strong and funny and have a perfect jawline and eyes that sparkled like the sea and have an Australian accent (and yes, I did put that on a list once). And then I made one of those "real" lists. The list where we put what he actually HAS to have.


Strong testimony
Obedience to the Gospel
Love kids
yada
yada
yada


I'm not saying those aren't important or that you shouldn't have things you won't settle less on, I'm saying this:


What are you going to be like in marriage?


I spent so much time over-analyzing who my spouse would be that I never took the time to see if I would be a good wife.
Could I cook? Sure
Could I clean? Decently
.....is there anything else?


YES! Yes there is!!!


I got married and I found out so many things about myself that I hadn't known before!


1. I protect my heart! Even from my husband!

I was so worried about that day when he hulked out on me that whenever I got frustrated or upset, I just shut down and wouldn't talk to him, wouldn't let him in, wouldn't tell him what was wrong or anything. And that was so hard on him!


2. I put unfair standards on him! 

I had, for so long, told myself that I would be in a "perfect" relationship, that if he didn't do the dishes I would break down and act like he hated me and he didn't respect me and we probably were going to get divorced. NO, SIR. 

Everyone wants that relationship where the man loves the wife soooo much that he even does the dishes for her (or the laundry or the vacuuming, whatever your "thing" is), but just because he doesn't, is not an indication of his love for you!


3. I wasn't ready to be alone. 

My husband lived thousands of miles from my family, so when we got married, I moved away, and even though I thought I was ready for that, I wasn't. Not having friends or family around you puts a big burden on you as a couple because he is really and truly all you have. Now I think it's a blessing because you have to lean on each other, BUT, I turned mine around and put that big burden on my husband to fill, totally and completely by himself.
CONFESSION: A husband cannot replace a mother or a sister. They can do so many things, but rarely that. And it's okay too. Just don't think that, because you're sad and miss your family, it's all your husband's fault.


4. I thought because I had bad days or sad days, it was all my husband's fault and our marriage probably wasn't going to work. 

SO. NOT. TRUE. And telling yourself that/telling your husband that, will really and truly break your marriage.


I think so many times these days we figure out that marriage is hard and we secretly think it shouldn't be, or that we were different from the mold, or our hard was supposed to be different from this kind of hard. And then we get sad, we get frustrated, we think this is how the rest of our life is going to be and we suddenly want out.


It may take ten minutes, it may take ten years, but there will come a moment that your spouse will do something, or (more likely) NOT do something, and you will look at him and think  "wow, you're kind of a jerk" or "wow, I don't think I can live with that" or "wow, he doesn't know me at all. Like at all." or "wow, we aren't in sync. We will never be in sync and I don't even have family near to make me feel some sort of sync-ness."


It was all very dramatic for me, because I refused to believe a marriage is boring in any way, and I twisted it all around and let it eat at me. I wasn't prepared to work hard and give and sacrifice. Thankfully, my husband was. But that was another thing I learned.


5. I'm so super selfish! Like really selfish. Bad. 

My Mom used to call me high maintenance and I never believed her, until I got married. And then I did. Because it was true. And I saw it.


Now I want to be very clear; in the end, marriage IS about the two of you. BUT, so much of my marriage is about me individually. 

How I'm doing that day. How I'm feeling. How accepting am I of what's happening around me. Is today going to be a good day? Am I going to see the good in things?

 You experience a vast amount of things together; the birth of a child, the loss of a job, the loss of a loved one. But, just as important, you experience them individually and how you choose to react to them greatly affects your relationship and how it's going to grow.


You know that saying, "when the mom is happy everyone is happy." Well it's true. And oddly enough, you control how happy you are.


I'm not trying to say that you can't be unhappy, I'm not saying you shouldn't be picky or that there aren't things your spouse needs to work on.


So much of my life was spent day dreaming of my prince charming, only to have those dreams shattered by reality and to then turn bitter because of this, that I never thought to look inside myself and see if I was prepared for what a real marriage entailed.


Because marriage IS hard. And it's not always your husband's fault.

Beauty and society and my daughters

I love my husband, deeply.

And with that love comes an acknowledgement that we are very different creatures, different habits, different thought processes, even different ways and styles of wearing clothes. And some days that's hard but most of the time I simple appreciate that we have the opportunity to learn from each other and grow from each other. Today though the thought hit me that I can't wait for the day Ben has the opportunity to call our daughters beautiful. That his soft words can influence them. 

Bens view is different than mine, so different. He thinks all my flaws are perfect, he has never once criticized me. He loves me for the way I am and has shown me how to look at myself differently. And how to love myself differently. He knows no one is perfect, and doesn't think that everyone has to look the women in TV to be beautiful. 

I have always enjoyed this little fact, but it wasn't until this day that I have considered how much this positive outlook on beauty will affect the daughters we will raise. How much good he will do.  How much he can stop the twisting of thoughts to look for thigh gaps, or a perfect jaw line, to hate any jiggle on their body or extra skin around their waist. 

I don't think I caught how much damage had been done to me until I married Ben and would bring these imperfections of mine to his attention only to discover, to my horror, that he hadn't even noticed! He hadn't taken the time to study exactly how unsymmetrical my curves were. No mind had been paid to the extra fat on my thighs. He has still never commented on the unsightly girth of my waistline. And odd as it sounds he enjoys my back fat, once I pointed it out to him Ofcourse. It's been an interesting process slowly going through each part of me that society said was unacceptable, unattractive, useless and ugly and see how much Ben DOESNT CARE. 

I can't wait to give that shield to our daughters. Prepare them for the war on beauty that they will face. Have him there with his glowing positivity ready to tell them society is wrong and they are

Perfect. 

I'm gettin real sick and tired of your crap society

Okay this is a vent. A BIG one. So back off if your sick and tired of Kayla's crap.

I'm a big fat fatty. AND I LOVE ME. There. I said it. I have weighed 250 pounds before. I STILL weigh over 200 pounds. But I'm okay with it. I know what I look like. I can look great. I can look horrible. I can be sexy (just ask my husband. He think I'm freakin Scarlett Johanson). So get off me society. Get off me skinny jeans, get off me fat neck and jiggly thighs, get off me "bat" arms, and don't even get me started on back fat. I know. I have them all (Not the skinny jeans thing, I just hate them, I always feel like a frog).

I'm great. I have a Father in Heaven that loves me. I have a father in Las Vegas that adores me. I have a mom that thinks I'm "cool" yeah, what up? I can laugh and I can make others laugh. I can love little children. I can look at nature and feel peace. I can go away for a weekend with my husband and come back and love him MORE than when we left. I can clean my house. I can make a baby (I haven't proven that one yet). But I can do the stuff that makes babies! And have fun! I can reach out and help someone that is down. I can read scriptures and say prayers and give service and feel Heavenly Fathers happiness in me. I learn and grow. I can walk for goodness sakes! How incredible is that?! If for that reason only, I know I have a perfect body!

I've recently started running and it's amazed me at what my body can do! How truly strong it is. But I don't think i'm doing it for the right reasons. I did it so that I could become better than other people. Stronger. Faster. Thinner. And that mentality is killing me. So I'm changing that too. I'm doing this for me. To love my body because it can get up and do wonderful things. To keep my body for a long time. To feel good inside and out. I'm not better than anyone. I'm not prettier because I can run. I'm prettier because I can love.

So to all you runners out there hoorah! And all you runners who aren't running today hoorah too!! We're all children of God.

So I have cellulite and stretch marks and I jiggle from time to time (or all the time [I don't keep count people]).

I have a problem: I compare myself to others. And I didn't know how bad it was. And then I got married. And I had to lean on my husband to MAKE me feel pretty. And that isn't fair. Not to him. And in the end it isn't enough. It never will be. No matter how many people call me beautiful. I have to love me for me. Or else I won't be good enough. Not to me at least. I will never be good enough until I tell myself I am. So I am. Right here. In front of....the internet....

I'm good enough. I am divine. For so many reasons. Hundreds. Thousands. Way more than my faults. And I hope everyone sees that.

This is what brought it on. Real sick and tired of you society. Real tired.

The heart apocolypse

So the man that was texting me, the one that saved the day, his name is Ben Downard. When I came home from my mission Ben and I kept in contact via facebook and then cell phones. Well I wasn't into him. I went to the singles ward, ish, and was hung up on some other guy. Well the guy I was hung up on was kind of....mean...ish. And the boys in the singles ward were....the same. It stunk. I just got done being friends with EVERY GUY IN THE WORLD (cause that's all you can be as a missionary, friends, so it was super easy) and then I came home and came back to "we don't talk/hang out/be friends/I don't put any effort into you unless I want to marry you". And it stunk. I hated it.

So as I was talking to Ben about my man woes and we joked about marrying each other (he had lady woes). And that slowly escalated. Which was kind of...hard for me. I really wasn't ready to get married. I was very closed off and way too independent and very..done with the opposite sex. I was extremely into simply taking care of me.

Well one night, after Bens confession that he really would like to marry me and he actually did love me (I said he didn't) in a moment of sheer panic, um excuse me Ben's beautiful [for seriously]) I said "Well what if I suck at kissing?" (let's go back to this post [less than ten fingers people I ain't no pro here]) and he said "Then we'll practice." And my whole world just...exploded. I had never ever EVER in a million years had a man that would "practice" kissing with me if I sucked. EVER. Ben would be willing to put in the effort and work with me BECAUSE I WAS WORTH IT.

And in that moment my heard did this weird banshee thing and that was it, I was hooked.

Pause on the story, random thought time.

Okay so I'm trying to get back into blogging, it's slow going, but I had a thought hit me today that I wanted to blog (always a good sign!) and it was this:

Only the helpless damsel needs a knight in shining armor.

I recently got married, which is incredible given my posts from two years ago (a miracle even!), and I was out driving in the rain and a thought hit me that I really wished Babes (aka the husband) was the one driving me because he does so well in the rain. Then a little swell of pride hit because I knew I could drive in the rain and I was doing it, and well btw, hadn't hit a thing! And oddly enough that thought made me really happy. Super happy. And I pondered how, even though my husband wasn't perfect (ie. he doesn't chauffer me everywhere when it rains), we were still a wonderful happy couple because I can drive myself in the rain.

Which led to the above mention thought: Only the helpless damsel needs a knight in shining armor. Now I'm not saying that you don't need something good, or great, or wonderful, just that he probably won't be a knight. But that's okay because only that lone helpless damsel needs him. You need someone else. Now that someone might be Mr. I chauffer in the rain cause she hits walls. Or Mr. I like to snuggle and I snuggle her out of bad moods. Or maybe Mr. I don't touch her when she's mad, I back away and buy chocolate and flowers and I'm good at it. Who knows.

My point was: be happy with your strengths and find the person that helps with your flaws and you can help with his. Life will never be perfect, so find your strengths, strengthen your flaws and always always always find ways to be happy. There is no other way to live!!

Alive Again

Going on a mission, in one sense, is a lot like dying. You die from the world, you die from TV, you die from family, you die from everyone and everything that you once knew. BUT you get a new life, a new birth, you become this person that never turns on electronics to distract herself, you work 24/7 and have a schedule 24/7 and become this person who learns to truly depend on Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ to help heal the hurt because you have NOTHING else to take it away. It's there 24/7, just like the work that calls your every attention. It's hard, it's long, it's frustrating, it's weird and it's rewarding.

And then one day you leave that world and go home. And that's like dying all over again. The difference is that you fall flat on your face because this new world is hard and mean and cold and empty. But it's your old world. Your old you. An old shell that you have to try and fit the new you into. Needless to say it's been hard.

But then an interesting thing happened. I started talking to this boy...

This is the end.

This is it, my last day at home. Tomorrow I hit the road. The popping of fireworks still disrupts the air like a celebration of my farewell and I love it.

I've been set apart. And it was magical. A peace has settled deep in my soul.

I'm happy. Happy and excited and ready and....peaceful.

I have had things promised to me that seem....magical. I have things that I now want, want with my heart and soul, want almost as much as I want to teach Indians. I'm obviously still greedy.

So, this is my goodbye.

It's been fun. It's been crazy. It's been unexpected. And man am I glad it's finally here.

I love you my blogger readers.

I just have to take a moment and say: Laura, you are amazing. Very amazing. Super amazing. Your comments make me laugh and giggle and shy and happy all at the same time. I can't wait to come back and amuse you some more. And thank you for coming to my farewell, that was magical as well. Seeing your smiling face, so unexpected, my heart burst with joy that I probably didn't convey very well given how crazy anxious I was about talking. I thank you for that parting gift, it was one of my favorites.

I hope everyones heart is full this Fourth of July. I hope you stay safe and appreciate all that is around you while those beautiful explosions fill the air.

If you would like to write me, or want me to write you, my MTC address is as follows:
Sister Kayla Obriann Hanshew
MTC Mailbox # 193
OK-TUL 0727
2005 N 900 E
Provo, UT 84604-1793

Yeah I know, it's long, but worth it. Have a wonderful life for the next eighteen months, and know, you will be missed! BYE! :) I'm off to do great things.