Are you ready for marriage?

I had a little epiphany today and I just thought I would share. It was while I was vacuuming, such a wonderful pastime, and it just hit me. Man, I was so unprepared for marriage. So unprepared. Which is odd for many reasons.


1. I had seen PLENTY of Disney movies.


2. I knew men were nothing like those Disney Princes.


3. I knew marriage was hard, it required sacrifice and that it wasn't going to always be like the honeymoon.

I'm a fairly optimistic person, but I am VERY good at seeing the worst in a situation and/or preparing for the worst. i.e. I prepared myself for the thought that possibly, my husband could have anger problems and hulk out and beat me or something (see that's a prepared person right there).


4. I prepared myself for "the change," the transition that a man goes through when he upgrades from boyfriend to husband. 

I heard it was ugly. I heard they forget what flowers are. I heard romance is a thing of the past. And I prepared accordingly.


I'm trying to say I was READY. And by ready I mean I was scared. I was fickle and I was darn picky. And when I met my husband, I didn't even consider marrying him. I was closed off, I was waiting for the "perfect one," the one where you know.


But not like how other people know, where it's super annoying, but how I would know.


We would click. We'd be in sync. We'd like each other's stuff and feed off each other and we wouldn't even annoy other people with our lovey dovey stuff we'd be so cool. That's how I thought it would be.


And I was wrong. But that's okay.


And I'm not going to tell you how I knew my husband was meant for me, because I think that's such a unique, personal experience (AND SO DIFFERENT FOR EACH PERSON!!) that putting mine down would make someone out there think that theirs should be like mine. And it shouldn't. It should be your own.


But there is something I want to say.


Marriage is so much more about you as a person than you as "twain".


I thought my husband needed to be smart and good looking and strong and funny and have a perfect jawline and eyes that sparkled like the sea and have an Australian accent (and yes, I did put that on a list once). And then I made one of those "real" lists. The list where we put what he actually HAS to have.


Strong testimony
Obedience to the Gospel
Love kids
yada
yada
yada


I'm not saying those aren't important or that you shouldn't have things you won't settle less on, I'm saying this:


What are you going to be like in marriage?


I spent so much time over-analyzing who my spouse would be that I never took the time to see if I would be a good wife.
Could I cook? Sure
Could I clean? Decently
.....is there anything else?


YES! Yes there is!!!


I got married and I found out so many things about myself that I hadn't known before!


1. I protect my heart! Even from my husband!

I was so worried about that day when he hulked out on me that whenever I got frustrated or upset, I just shut down and wouldn't talk to him, wouldn't let him in, wouldn't tell him what was wrong or anything. And that was so hard on him!


2. I put unfair standards on him! 

I had, for so long, told myself that I would be in a "perfect" relationship, that if he didn't do the dishes I would break down and act like he hated me and he didn't respect me and we probably were going to get divorced. NO, SIR. 

Everyone wants that relationship where the man loves the wife soooo much that he even does the dishes for her (or the laundry or the vacuuming, whatever your "thing" is), but just because he doesn't, is not an indication of his love for you!


3. I wasn't ready to be alone. 

My husband lived thousands of miles from my family, so when we got married, I moved away, and even though I thought I was ready for that, I wasn't. Not having friends or family around you puts a big burden on you as a couple because he is really and truly all you have. Now I think it's a blessing because you have to lean on each other, BUT, I turned mine around and put that big burden on my husband to fill, totally and completely by himself.
CONFESSION: A husband cannot replace a mother or a sister. They can do so many things, but rarely that. And it's okay too. Just don't think that, because you're sad and miss your family, it's all your husband's fault.


4. I thought because I had bad days or sad days, it was all my husband's fault and our marriage probably wasn't going to work. 

SO. NOT. TRUE. And telling yourself that/telling your husband that, will really and truly break your marriage.


I think so many times these days we figure out that marriage is hard and we secretly think it shouldn't be, or that we were different from the mold, or our hard was supposed to be different from this kind of hard. And then we get sad, we get frustrated, we think this is how the rest of our life is going to be and we suddenly want out.


It may take ten minutes, it may take ten years, but there will come a moment that your spouse will do something, or (more likely) NOT do something, and you will look at him and think  "wow, you're kind of a jerk" or "wow, I don't think I can live with that" or "wow, he doesn't know me at all. Like at all." or "wow, we aren't in sync. We will never be in sync and I don't even have family near to make me feel some sort of sync-ness."


It was all very dramatic for me, because I refused to believe a marriage is boring in any way, and I twisted it all around and let it eat at me. I wasn't prepared to work hard and give and sacrifice. Thankfully, my husband was. But that was another thing I learned.


5. I'm so super selfish! Like really selfish. Bad. 

My Mom used to call me high maintenance and I never believed her, until I got married. And then I did. Because it was true. And I saw it.


Now I want to be very clear; in the end, marriage IS about the two of you. BUT, so much of my marriage is about me individually. 

How I'm doing that day. How I'm feeling. How accepting am I of what's happening around me. Is today going to be a good day? Am I going to see the good in things?

 You experience a vast amount of things together; the birth of a child, the loss of a job, the loss of a loved one. But, just as important, you experience them individually and how you choose to react to them greatly affects your relationship and how it's going to grow.


You know that saying, "when the mom is happy everyone is happy." Well it's true. And oddly enough, you control how happy you are.


I'm not trying to say that you can't be unhappy, I'm not saying you shouldn't be picky or that there aren't things your spouse needs to work on.


So much of my life was spent day dreaming of my prince charming, only to have those dreams shattered by reality and to then turn bitter because of this, that I never thought to look inside myself and see if I was prepared for what a real marriage entailed.


Because marriage IS hard. And it's not always your husband's fault.

The World Around Us

I had a tough weekend this past week. On Thursday April 28, 2011 I found out that someone I love very very much could be sick, extremely sick, life changing sick. I cried. I did my homework, I checked life expectancy, I checked symptoms, I checked how it would affect that person and me and my family. And I cried some more. I thought about my Mission and what to do about that. I thought about my family and how things will change. I covered alot of ground. And we didn't tell anyone. We kept it to ourselves because we weren't 100% sure this person was really sick. We were waiting for one last, final, big, thorough test to tell us exactly what was wrong. And so I prayed. A quick prayer that asked Heavenly Father to help me, to get me through this, and to keep me strong. And I was okay. I made it through work, I made it through the weekend and on Saturday night I got on my knees and prayed again.

And I did something I don't normally do. I asked my Father in heaven something bold, something I knew he could do but I wasn't sure I was entitled to, I asked him to cure someone I loved, to not only grant me the strength to endure, if this sickness was his will, but if possible to take this sickness away, to move a mountain, my mountain. I cried, I cried because I wanted it, more than I wanted anything at the moment, but it felt selfish, and I knew that Heavenly Father doesn't give you what you want, but what you need. And so I cried because I thought I had already lost.

--Now I want something to be clear, when I got the news my mind split in two about my Mission, me going, or me staying. The sickness that this person had wasn't something that happened quickly, they could live another 20-50 years, but it was a somewhat unpredictable sickness in that it weakens you, so time wasn't always on your side. But more importantly was how my family was going to do with this sickness, could they handle such an important person being sick? And another thought hit me, it was something I had heard from alot of Sister Missionaries "It's amazing the things Satan will throw at you before your Mission to keep you from going." Was this a test? Was this Satan? And in that moment, with those questions, my mind snapped to one decision and clung with all it's might. I was going. Before I even said my quick prayer at work, through the tears and the wikipedia searching I knew I was still going. Nothing would ever change that.--

So during my prayer on Saturday night I did something I wasn't very proud of, I threw my Mission at The Lord, not an 'in your face' kind of thing but in a 'what about this?' way. A 'what about me? what about our plans? Why are you killing this person that I love and need?' and I fasted the next day. Keeping this person in mind and hoping for the impossible.

And I pushed all sadness away. I pushed away being upset and scared until we got the last test results back, until it was final. And I can say that I was....fine. Completely and totally fine. I'm not sure how I was going to be when I got the results back, when I knew that it was serious, that this person was sick and that wasn't going to change. But I was so....okay. I was also very sure and very ready to accept that this person was sick. That it was final. But I felt that my fast was already helping me because I was stronger, steadier. I was still sad, it was sad. But everything would be okay, honestly, looking back, I shouldn't have felt like that. At. All.

And then I saw this person this morning. Goll this perfect person, this person I love so much, and I talked to them and they told me a story about a sister missionary, and I cried a little as I drove away to go to work. And three hours later I got a call.

"Everything is fine. It was a false alarm. The Doctor doesn't understand what happened. He's pissed." And I was so relieved. Still am. I don't....I don't know how to explain it. I'm so....touched, amazed, inspired, shocked, awed, grateful for my Father in Heaven, for fasting, for prayers, for miracles, for my life, for my decisions, for my faith and at this moment, I'm most thankful for the ability, in two months time, to be able to share this gospel with everyone. To bear testimony to miracles, to faith, to moments in life when we don't think we can stand and to Heavenly Father who carries us. To moments when Heavenly Father moves mountains, and my faith, that is as small as a mustard seed. And the ability for everyone to have moments just like these.

The Lady I want to be

That right there is the lady I want to be. The lady I want to be so bad I can taste it. See that smile? That smile I want, I want the way her eyes shine, I want the kindness in her face, I want dainty hands, I want to be able to wear green pants and not look like a freaking weirdo.

Sometimes I feel like this lady.
And sometimes I feel the opposite of this.

And  yes, I believe in being yourself, completely. But sometimes you see someone shine and you want to capture that twinkle, just a little. And this lady blazes like the sun. Something about her blows me away. Maybe it's that she is artistic, I'm not. Or maybe simply that she is breathtaking, putting my hand down there. Or maybe that she sees beauty in everything, that she has the simplest, but most romantic and beautiful, dream of living in a bright house with fresh flowers and a man that will dance with her right there in the living room. Or maybe it's that she is so beautiful, and so breathtaking and yet in the corner she has a little glimpse into her mortality, a little dissaray, a little humanity, a simple mess. But that only makes me like her more.

Refresh, remember, remind

I almost feel the need to apologize for the last post, but I won't. A. Because I think it's nitty and gritty and real (like the picture to the left) and B. Because I write very well when I'm sad, and that post is very well.

BUT I no longer feel like that. I can't fault the post because everything I said was and is true, but at this moment I feel like nothing has taken that emptiness' place, nothing but possibility.

I have always felt like the Sunflower is the flower of possibility. It is a thought that has only formed recently, my love for Sunflowers, however, has always existed. Maybe it's that they have sun in their name, something we will never be able to stare at or touch, or maybe it's that they will grow anywhere (Las Vegas included, can you say freaking impossible?) or maybe it's the child in me that stared at the looming sunflower as a small sun in the sky, or maybe it's that they get big and tall (like me) so I naturally flock to them. They are the giants in the flower world, a species of their own, but so beautiful you know they hold their own against the most extravagant of roses.

So today is a Sunflower day. Today is a day to look at tomorrow, today is a day to live, to laugh, to love, to refresh, to remind and to remember. Today is a day for love.

“No one ever finds life worth living - one has to make it worth living” Winston Churchill.

“Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow.” Mary Anne Radmacher

"Time goes by so fast, people go in and out of your life. You must never miss the opportunity to tell these people how much they mean to you.”-I don't know.

“When one realizes that his life is worthless he either commits suicide or travels.” – Edward Dahlberg.

“I am not the same having seen the moon shine on the other side of the world.” – Mary Anne Radmacher Hershey

“The traveler sees what he sees, the tourist sees what he has come to see.” – G. K. Chesterton 

 And last but not least, because I had this experience the other night:

“It is solved by walking.” – Algerian proverb

Go travel, whether it's around the block, around the city, around the state or around the world, travel. Live, breathe, walk, see, feel, imagine, hope and then make it.

Done and Gone

It happened. And it was amazing. My Mumford and Sons experience:

To start, the concert ticket says the concert starts at 8 pm. I arrive at The Cosmopolitan at 6. They say I'm too early and no line has even started, Jordan gets on my case about being crazy, so we walk down the strip and hit up McDonalds come back before seven and bam HUGE LINE.

Fantastic. But you know we dealt. THEN they didn't even start letting people inside UNTIL 8 pm. Lame. BUT we got a great seat up by the stage.

Also amazing. And then we wait and wait and wait and wait. And some little guy comes on and plays a couple of songs and they were pretty good. And then FINALLY. The main men, the show stoppers, the hero's, my hero's, the beauties, the EVERYTHING. Mumford and Sons. And they play, oh how they play. The music flows from them like air, like they were made to do it, like it cost them nothing but a flick of their hand, like they weren't shattering my life with their beauty. It was amazing in ways I could never try and duplicate. And they played new songs, gorgeous songs that needed to be out so I could purchase them. Songs that I needed to play over and over again, digest them until they were things I knew, knew inside and out, knew what they wanted me to know, heard what they wanted me to hear, touched me in the way only they can.

The lead singer, aka me and Jordans boyfriend. He was beautiful. AND he plays the drums. Yeah, he's got it going on. OH and they did a cover, and that cover was amazing, it was a song I swear I had heard before but couldn't place it. Now though, now I love it. Who cares who originally sang it, it has forever come out of this mans beautiful mouth. And for your viewing enjoyment, a little video from the night, it's of The Singer, Marcus Mumford, on the drums, yes that's right the drums, playing a new song that is absolutely beautiful. You will have to ignore A. the screaming fans, myself included, B. the crappy quality and C. The possibility of you passing out. Pleas enjoy your life and if possible: see these men perform.

-----The video won't post. Sorry. Just use your imagination.

UPDATE: I found the song I wanted to posted, on youtube of all places, weird. It's HD and everything (Coachella broadcast every ones shows live, genius). So the sound is amazing and you can pretty much see how perfect they all are. But I do want to say...I think they played better for me in Las Vegas. Enjoy.

Mumford and Sons

It is here. The big day is here. The huge day. The...most awesome day of all time. I'm freaking excited!

I've been listening to M&S for the past two days, nonstop. And it just pumps me up more.
Ofcourse now I have to make sure the ticket I bought isn't a fake. Lame. But even if it is I told Jordan I'd give her twenty bucks and she could go watch a movie and I would stay at the concert. Win, win. Minus ninety bucks. Live and learn I guess. I knew I should have bought two. That was me being dumb...and cheap.

So happy friday. And if you have a few moments go and listen to this. And that's LIVE. Man I'm jazzed. See you tomorrw blog world!

A reasonably priced ticket

I am on the hunt for a reasonably priced ticket. Possible you say? Not. The tickets were originally $35.00 and that's how much I bought mine for. Well being the idiot I am I didn't buy a second. Why? Cause no one wanted to go with me but now well people want to go but I have no second ticket and the concert is now sold out. What that means for me? Triple prices on the tickets, if I'm lucky. I have now posted asking for a ticket for around $75 (not gonna happen) but I have also emailed people for tickets all around $100 (hope they still have them). So now I wait. Am I willing to go higher? Yes. Why? Because the ticket is for my sister and....well I'm a sucker for my sister. And everyone should have the chance to see Mumford and Sons in concert.

ALSO!!

I have a theory going. Wait for it.....I'm lucky.

No wrong word. I'm...blessed.

In the little things. This concert for one, remember this post?, and then I got to go to Disneyland and I was running late to church last week and I STILL made the sacrament (they usually get to that post haste) and just...well little things. I love it. So now I am on this little endeavour and we shall see how it all turns out. I'm so excited!

Hopefully I didn't just jinx myself.

It's here

It's here. It's beginning. It's legitimate. It's great. It's scary. It's....amazing. I don't think there is anything I can't say as of today, including: I've never been so scared of a little white envelope before in my life.

I, Kayla Obriann Hanshew, have been called to the Oklahoma, Tulsa Mission, English speaking. I report to the MTC on July 6th, 2011 (five days after my birthday) and all I can say is; YES.

Hello mission area (Yes, it does cover FOUR states)

And yes it will be my home for eighteen months. I will be seeing lots of-

And even some

And I don't think I have ever been so excited for anything in my entire life! And I want to write why I think so but not in this post.

What?!

I'm crazy. I've simply decided that.



Reason being: I want things. Things that, if I got, I would have no idea what I would do with them.



That picture in the last post. I want it. Bad.



WHAT THE HECK WOULD I DO IN THE MIDDLE OF NO WHERE?!?!?



I love the city. I hate the city as well. But I'm by no means a freaking cowgirl. I LOVE the internet. I love people....and Del Taco. WHAT WOULD I DO WITH ALL THAT OPEN ROAD?!?!?



Nothing! I would stare at it....and then be like "Where's Del Taco?"

Saddest part? I still want that freaking open road. I want it for so many reasons. I want it as a symbol, not as actually being in the middle of nowhere (though I do still want that [just with a Del Taco]).

Crazy much? Well yes. Thanks for noticing.

Today

This is how I feel today.

My panic attack

I have had a problem sleeping lately. It's so odd. I like the idea of sleep, normally. Actually, the more I think about it....I always have a problem sleeping, I'm a very light sleeper. It's somewhat extraordinary since everyone else (excluding my papa) sleeps like logs (Do logs even sleep? Who comes up with these crazy sayings?!?!). But I sleep lightly, unless I am completely out of it (which has been happening a lot lately), and I am awaken constantly. Well in the past-oh i don't know-year or so, I have had trouble falling asleep. I either don't make a move towards the bed, because I see it as my enemy, or I just lay in bed and can't turn off. And you can't hate sleep, because it's sleep, and sleep is the nectar of the gods, but I hate the time before you go to sleep. Where you lay in bed and think about life. I used to not hate this time. Heck I used to look forward to it. Plan out how early I could go and lay in bed and scheme up awesome scenarios with boys and how they would rescue me. It was magical.



And then I got into a car accident.



It was a minor one, no one was severely injured. It was raining and my car was really really old and the tires were bald and I lost traction in a turn and hit a wall. Car was totalled though (i still don't understand how, I was doing like fifteen miles an hour) and I had to say goodbye to 'the boat' as we so aptly named it. But when I got home from said accident (and every day after for a good three months) every time I got into bed all I could think about was how I wrecked the car. And how scared I was, and how scared everyone was, and how mad my mom had been, and the fear and the cop and how my baby cousins were in the car at the time.



And then I hated the time before bed. Because suddenly the world came crashing down on me. I would feel like I was being suffocated by my mistakes and the things I couldn't do and my future. It was horrible. And so I started staying up late, ignoring my bed until I could barely keep my eyes open and knew I would get into that bed and pass out. No thinking, no guilt, no fear, just blissful sleep.



And I don't think I have ever really shaken that process. I still feel guilt about the accident but nothing like back then, it's more of just a stepping stone for me, a bad memory. But I still fight sleep. I play on my lap top, and ipod, and listen to music. Anything to keep from being empty and undistracted. It's a horrible habit to keep. I push all of my worries away during the day and then face them at night. It's horribly unproductive. AND it keeps me from sleeping.



So last night, I'm laying in bed, I had pushed myself as far as I could go (it was like twelve thirty [which is late for me]) and finally decided it was time for bed, i was ready. So I lay down, fully expecting to simply pass out and suddenly I thought about my mission. And how I was going to be expected to teach these beautiful people that wanted to learn about the gospel.



Their knowledge and entrance into a religion and truth that I believe in wholeheartedly rests on MY shoulders.



I couldn't do it. I wasn't a good example, I was flawed, I didn't know enough. I didn't have every story of the BOM memorized, or know why Jesus left himself out when he spoke of 'being perfect' in the bible because he hadn't been resurrected yet (obviously I learned it the other day) I don't know the history of the church backwards and forwards, I didn't know about the book of Abraham, or the persecution of the church in these latter days. I didn't know the exact difference between exaltation and salvation. And these are just the things I know I didn't know. I'm still learning about my ignorance every day. It's humbling and daunting, and horrible. I know I'm not a religious scholar, nor am I an apostle, but how can anyone honestly expect me to teach people when I am still learning myself? And I laid there and thought about denying my call, and what everyone would think, and wondering why I got myself into this situation when my ran circled around three things.



1. D&C 4:3- Therefore, if ye have desires to serve God ye are called to the work. Not if you're the smartest, not if everyone thinks you should go, not if you're really feeling up to it, not only if you want to. If ye have the desire, you are called to the work. I might get this tatoo'd to my forehead (kidding, kidding).



2. If you have fear, you are relying on yourself. When you rely on the Lord, there is no fear. This was just taught to us by a sub in mission prep. It's amazing how something so simple is so true.



3. If you love everyone around you, and everyone you are expected to teach, like the Lord does you will have no fear. It's more of a continuation of number two but it has been running through my head constantly aspecially after I was asked to teach in Relief Society. If I look at everyone with the love I know that the Savior has for them, I will only wish that they get to partake of the gift that I also have. I won't worry I'm not going to know enough. I won't worry they might make fun of my accent, I won't worry that they might think I'm stupid or that my testimony sucks, I won't worry that they might think I'm ugly. And even if they do, I won't care. I will know I did the Saviors work, that I laid the bait for them (another mission prep lesson, that mission prep class is amazing) and that If nothing else, I planted a seed. No matter how small that seed may be.

My Serenity

I'm calm. Oddly calm. It's wonderful.


I feel like my head is swinging in a hammock in the Bahamas. My body on the other hand wants to run and dance, sprint even, shake and tumble. It wants to burn some serious energy. I want to go and walk eight miles and go home and crash. That sounds blissful.


But back to the calm.


My head has stopped. It's simply empty. And I love it. I wish my body would catch up. Normally it's the other way around, my body is always lazy, my mind doesn't normally just give up like this. I honestly wish it would more. I have no....expectation. And I mean that in the best possible way. I normally drain every possible thought and action with wants and desires for more. But I'm so content with everything that...it's like I'm high. I could sleep for days, mentally, physically I'm eyeing my back door to see how far I could walk. The store? The church? The mountains? The desert? Where would I stop? Never. I love it.


I'm high off of my interview. It's starting to stick. I'm going on a mission (well there is still people that could say no. Or I could always get hit by that drunk driver [according to my dad at least]) but if all goes well I will be leaving on my mission the Tuesday after my birthday, July 5, 2010. A day after my grandpas birthday and the birth of this wonderfully free nation. Where could I go? Where will I go? But my mind doesn't spin at the possibilities anymore. It smiles at them. It's like my mind just birthed a child after being pregnant for eight months, it's all smiles and no worries, it's just glad the baby is out. I've hit the eye of the storm. ha ha I like that. I should really enjoy this peace. Man I love this peace. It makes me weepy though. All I want to do is cry, but from joy. It's so bizarre.


But even at the bizarreness I just smile, I don't think I can't smile. I hope I'm like this on my mission. High off the spirit. High off the love. High off the knowledge.


I want this for the rest of my life. I want to say something profound to make everyone understand how this feels. To spread some of this warm liquid honey gold love onto you but I'm not much of a poet. But for you, I will try:


My heart is warm
You'll see
My heart is warm
For thee
Keep it warm, make it last
For this moment, it shall pass
And when it does our heart will quake
And from this dream we will wake
And search again for what comes from within
But don't look far, for our sight is wrong
And man not so strong
But He holds it in his hands
With a smile oh so grand
And gladly He gives it back
For his love He does not stack
And warmth floods through you again
And you remember exactly why you love Him.