The Lady I want to be

That right there is the lady I want to be. The lady I want to be so bad I can taste it. See that smile? That smile I want, I want the way her eyes shine, I want the kindness in her face, I want dainty hands, I want to be able to wear green pants and not look like a freaking weirdo.

Sometimes I feel like this lady.
And sometimes I feel the opposite of this.

And  yes, I believe in being yourself, completely. But sometimes you see someone shine and you want to capture that twinkle, just a little. And this lady blazes like the sun. Something about her blows me away. Maybe it's that she is artistic, I'm not. Or maybe simply that she is breathtaking, putting my hand down there. Or maybe that she sees beauty in everything, that she has the simplest, but most romantic and beautiful, dream of living in a bright house with fresh flowers and a man that will dance with her right there in the living room. Or maybe it's that she is so beautiful, and so breathtaking and yet in the corner she has a little glimpse into her mortality, a little dissaray, a little humanity, a simple mess. But that only makes me like her more.

Refresh, remember, remind

I almost feel the need to apologize for the last post, but I won't. A. Because I think it's nitty and gritty and real (like the picture to the left) and B. Because I write very well when I'm sad, and that post is very well.

BUT I no longer feel like that. I can't fault the post because everything I said was and is true, but at this moment I feel like nothing has taken that emptiness' place, nothing but possibility.

I have always felt like the Sunflower is the flower of possibility. It is a thought that has only formed recently, my love for Sunflowers, however, has always existed. Maybe it's that they have sun in their name, something we will never be able to stare at or touch, or maybe it's that they will grow anywhere (Las Vegas included, can you say freaking impossible?) or maybe it's the child in me that stared at the looming sunflower as a small sun in the sky, or maybe it's that they get big and tall (like me) so I naturally flock to them. They are the giants in the flower world, a species of their own, but so beautiful you know they hold their own against the most extravagant of roses.

So today is a Sunflower day. Today is a day to look at tomorrow, today is a day to live, to laugh, to love, to refresh, to remind and to remember. Today is a day for love.

“No one ever finds life worth living - one has to make it worth living” Winston Churchill.

“Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow.” Mary Anne Radmacher

"Time goes by so fast, people go in and out of your life. You must never miss the opportunity to tell these people how much they mean to you.”-I don't know.

“When one realizes that his life is worthless he either commits suicide or travels.” – Edward Dahlberg.

“I am not the same having seen the moon shine on the other side of the world.” – Mary Anne Radmacher Hershey

“The traveler sees what he sees, the tourist sees what he has come to see.” – G. K. Chesterton 

 And last but not least, because I had this experience the other night:

“It is solved by walking.” – Algerian proverb

Go travel, whether it's around the block, around the city, around the state or around the world, travel. Live, breathe, walk, see, feel, imagine, hope and then make it.

One of those moments

It's one of those days. Where you have one of those moments. The life and death moments, the what the heck am I doing moments, the what really matters moments, the where is my life going moments, the sad moments where you feel human and crappy and like you should be somewhere, anywhere, else.

I hate these moments.

I hate the depressing weight you feel sitting on your chest. And what's worse is that you can't make it go away, it isn't a knot in your hair or a wrinkle in your clothes. It's not something that can simply be fixed. All you can ever do is push it away. Wait for something to take its place, work, boys, friends, books, distractions, anything. Sometimes something really good comes along, like Disneyland, or a really great boyfriend, heck maybe even a husband. But it always comes back because...well because it's life. We aren't meant to be happy and elated all the time, life doesn't work that way, and so people make vacations and have affairs and turn to alcohol and drugs and tv to get away from these moments. They throw themselves into things that make them feel good, sometimes that's something they can control, like work, or sometimes it's something that will simply numb them, like drugs or, for the less extreme, alcohol. But when you don't want any of those things you turn to even less extremes, tv, books, movies, stories. Because life sucks.

And that is how today smells. Like suck. Like a life sucking crap fest. Like mortality.

Please take one step to your left. Excellent.

I was talking with a friend yesterday and she told me the saddest thing I have ever heard, only problem is I had heard it before.

The day was glorious, beautiful, if not a little dull. I sat in my fifteen by ten office staring out my back doors at the cloudy sky. My hands itched to hold a new book, my back to lay in soft scratchy grass, my new shades on my face, the sun peaking out from behind tree branches. But I couldn't. So I asked if others were. "You aren't working today, please tell me you're outside reading a good book and soaking up that sun." I got a very grumpy. "There is no sun." Back. And I quickly found no one was. It was apparently only my dream. But another quickly followed when a friend of mine text me with a problem.
-"I'm thinking very dangerously." Naturally that catches my attention. Dangerously? Does she want to rob a bank? Does she want to go streaking? Is she going to light off fireworks? No. None of the above. She was thinking dangerously about a boy. She wanted to ask him out.
-"What do you think?" I think that over. What do I think? I come to the decision that I'm torn. Part of me says you only live once, and the other part says you're odds aren't worth the stress and heartache in asking. But she's adament. She even calls me at lunch so we can have a discussion, a thick debate. Very quickly she convinces me it's a good idea. I'm still hesitant, but other than talking about all the things that could happen I have no problem with her idea. I even start to get excited. We only live once, anything is possible, shoot for the moon, it's just one guy there will always be more. And then I start to think about my guy. My moon. And shooting for him. I get excited, I get nervous, I get excited again. And then that all dies.

-"My Mom says weight is a big issue in our generation and I would be depressed when he rejects me."

My heart sinks, stops, and stumbles to a start at half mass. I've heard it before, not put quite like that, but basically the same. My family says the same things. We aren't dumb. We know how the world works. Heck I think I get to see it more than anything with the stupid 'Singles Ward'. But with the kind of day it had been, the hope that had gone into this moment, and the dreams on the horizon it tears me apart.

I flop through the rest of the day and freak my family out at home. My Mother thinks I'm going to kill myself and sends first my sister into to cheer me up and then when that doesn't work, she sends in the big guns, the never fail guns: my father. He sits and and doesn't say anything. I just want him to go away. And then he pulls out his journal, a journal I never knew he had, and reads a recount of when him, myself and my older brother Spencer went to Moab when I was ten. It was adorable from his point of view, when that doesn't produce a smile he continues to go through the objects from his mission (something he promised we would do at some point) and finds a piece of old newspaper. He laughs while reading it, I turn slightly.

"This is a newspaper clipping of BJ from high school. Mom said she is in this picture." He points to a worn out black and white picture of a large group of students. I try to see her but can't. It isn't a very good picture. "I said 'Mom the circles are the ones I think are her' and then I circled this black guy, this black guy, this black guy and then this white guy." I laugh, hard and long. My Dad continues. "And then my Mom sent it back, 'Kenny! You circled three black men and a guy!'" I laugh harder, my Dads even chuckling at this point. "Yeah Mom, I was serious, you only knew me for what Nineteen years at this point." I stare at the crazy man I call my father, the man that.....is a nerd, a comedian, a joke, weird, hilarious and likes to sleep. The guy that...freaking knows what to do. The guy that my mother sends in when she doesn't know what to do. The guy that always stands up for me.

The guy that doesn't have a weight issue.

The guy I will forever love. And at some point, when the time is right, the guy that I will look for in a spouse. The nerdy, hilarious, odd, kinda weird guy. Maybe not the most obvious choice, but obviously the best.

Done and Gone

It happened. And it was amazing. My Mumford and Sons experience:

To start, the concert ticket says the concert starts at 8 pm. I arrive at The Cosmopolitan at 6. They say I'm too early and no line has even started, Jordan gets on my case about being crazy, so we walk down the strip and hit up McDonalds come back before seven and bam HUGE LINE.

Fantastic. But you know we dealt. THEN they didn't even start letting people inside UNTIL 8 pm. Lame. BUT we got a great seat up by the stage.

Also amazing. And then we wait and wait and wait and wait. And some little guy comes on and plays a couple of songs and they were pretty good. And then FINALLY. The main men, the show stoppers, the hero's, my hero's, the beauties, the EVERYTHING. Mumford and Sons. And they play, oh how they play. The music flows from them like air, like they were made to do it, like it cost them nothing but a flick of their hand, like they weren't shattering my life with their beauty. It was amazing in ways I could never try and duplicate. And they played new songs, gorgeous songs that needed to be out so I could purchase them. Songs that I needed to play over and over again, digest them until they were things I knew, knew inside and out, knew what they wanted me to know, heard what they wanted me to hear, touched me in the way only they can.

The lead singer, aka me and Jordans boyfriend. He was beautiful. AND he plays the drums. Yeah, he's got it going on. OH and they did a cover, and that cover was amazing, it was a song I swear I had heard before but couldn't place it. Now though, now I love it. Who cares who originally sang it, it has forever come out of this mans beautiful mouth. And for your viewing enjoyment, a little video from the night, it's of The Singer, Marcus Mumford, on the drums, yes that's right the drums, playing a new song that is absolutely beautiful. You will have to ignore A. the screaming fans, myself included, B. the crappy quality and C. The possibility of you passing out. Pleas enjoy your life and if possible: see these men perform.

-----The video won't post. Sorry. Just use your imagination.

UPDATE: I found the song I wanted to posted, on youtube of all places, weird. It's HD and everything (Coachella broadcast every ones shows live, genius). So the sound is amazing and you can pretty much see how perfect they all are. But I do want to say...I think they played better for me in Las Vegas. Enjoy.

Mumford and Sons

It is here. The big day is here. The huge day. The...most awesome day of all time. I'm freaking excited!

I've been listening to M&S for the past two days, nonstop. And it just pumps me up more.
Ofcourse now I have to make sure the ticket I bought isn't a fake. Lame. But even if it is I told Jordan I'd give her twenty bucks and she could go watch a movie and I would stay at the concert. Win, win. Minus ninety bucks. Live and learn I guess. I knew I should have bought two. That was me being dumb...and cheap.

So happy friday. And if you have a few moments go and listen to this. And that's LIVE. Man I'm jazzed. See you tomorrw blog world!

Running and rapers

I was with some friends the other night and one of them started to get nervous, because of the late hour, that something was going to happen to us. She reminded us about the raper that was been in the area and that maybe we should hurry things along. Well A. we were in the church parking lot, and B. there was four of us, and one of them was a guy.

To say the least I didn't take her serious.

And to add to it I was driving home with my other friend and both of us agree, we are on the bottom of the list for rape...I would also like to throw kidnapping in there simply because I don't think I will get kidnapped. And even If I did I'm a pretty savy fighter so my fear is pretty low. Now I'm not dumb, or suicidal, I still take my phone out with me whenever I leave the house to jog or exercise at night, and I always stay in familiar areas but I don't refuse to leave the house or the safety of my car at night because I'm scared.

Well irony of ironies has come about. I have to pick up a ticket from a stranger. Someone I have never met and suddenly I'm nervous. I'm not going to this persons house, we are meeting at the Palms for goodness sake but who knows? Maybe he's crazy. People have gotten snatched out of parking lots before. I have had to talk myself out of taking someone with me about a dozen times. I would just feel so freaking wimpy if I did that. And there you have it. If I die or end up on the news as a kidnap victim I hope this gets read at all the Elementary schools "safety and strangers" assemblies.