One of those moments

It's one of those days. Where you have one of those moments. The life and death moments, the what the heck am I doing moments, the what really matters moments, the where is my life going moments, the sad moments where you feel human and crappy and like you should be somewhere, anywhere, else.

I hate these moments.

I hate the depressing weight you feel sitting on your chest. And what's worse is that you can't make it go away, it isn't a knot in your hair or a wrinkle in your clothes. It's not something that can simply be fixed. All you can ever do is push it away. Wait for something to take its place, work, boys, friends, books, distractions, anything. Sometimes something really good comes along, like Disneyland, or a really great boyfriend, heck maybe even a husband. But it always comes back because...well because it's life. We aren't meant to be happy and elated all the time, life doesn't work that way, and so people make vacations and have affairs and turn to alcohol and drugs and tv to get away from these moments. They throw themselves into things that make them feel good, sometimes that's something they can control, like work, or sometimes it's something that will simply numb them, like drugs or, for the less extreme, alcohol. But when you don't want any of those things you turn to even less extremes, tv, books, movies, stories. Because life sucks.

And that is how today smells. Like suck. Like a life sucking crap fest. Like mortality.