I had a tough weekend this past week. On Thursday April 28, 2011 I found out that someone I love very very much could be sick, extremely sick, life changing sick. I cried. I did my homework, I checked life expectancy, I checked symptoms, I checked how it would affect that person and me and my family. And I cried some more. I thought about my Mission and what to do about that. I thought about my family and how things will change. I covered alot of ground. And we didn't tell anyone. We kept it to ourselves because we weren't 100% sure this person was really sick. We were waiting for one last, final, big, thorough test to tell us exactly what was wrong. And so I prayed. A quick prayer that asked Heavenly Father to help me, to get me through this, and to keep me strong. And I was okay. I made it through work, I made it through the weekend and on Saturday night I got on my knees and prayed again.
And I did something I don't normally do. I asked my Father in heaven something bold, something I knew he could do but I wasn't sure I was entitled to, I asked him to cure someone I loved, to not only grant me the strength to endure, if this sickness was his will, but if possible to take this sickness away, to move a mountain, my mountain. I cried, I cried because I wanted it, more than I wanted anything at the moment, but it felt selfish, and I knew that Heavenly Father doesn't give you what you want, but what you need. And so I cried because I thought I had already lost.
--Now I want something to be clear, when I got the news my mind split in two about my Mission, me going, or me staying. The sickness that this person had wasn't something that happened quickly, they could live another 20-50 years, but it was a somewhat unpredictable sickness in that it weakens you, so time wasn't always on your side. But more importantly was how my family was going to do with this sickness, could they handle such an important person being sick? And another thought hit me, it was something I had heard from alot of Sister Missionaries "It's amazing the things Satan will throw at you before your Mission to keep you from going." Was this a test? Was this Satan? And in that moment, with those questions, my mind snapped to one decision and clung with all it's might. I was going. Before I even said my quick prayer at work, through the tears and the wikipedia searching I knew I was still going. Nothing would ever change that.--
So during my prayer on Saturday night I did something I wasn't very proud of, I threw my Mission at The Lord, not an 'in your face' kind of thing but in a 'what about this?' way. A 'what about me? what about our plans? Why are you killing this person that I love and need?' and I fasted the next day. Keeping this person in mind and hoping for the impossible.
And I pushed all sadness away. I pushed away being upset and scared until we got the last test results back, until it was final. And I can say that I was....fine. Completely and totally fine. I'm not sure how I was going to be when I got the results back, when I knew that it was serious, that this person was sick and that wasn't going to change. But I was so....okay. I was also very sure and very ready to accept that this person was sick. That it was final. But I felt that my fast was already helping me because I was stronger, steadier. I was still sad, it was sad. But everything would be okay, honestly, looking back, I shouldn't have felt like that. At. All.
And then I saw this person this morning. Goll this perfect person, this person I love so much, and I talked to them and they told me a story about a sister missionary, and I cried a little as I drove away to go to work. And three hours later I got a call.
"Everything is fine. It was a false alarm. The Doctor doesn't understand what happened. He's pissed." And I was so relieved. Still am. I don't....I don't know how to explain it. I'm so....touched, amazed, inspired, shocked, awed, grateful for my Father in Heaven, for fasting, for prayers, for miracles, for my life, for my decisions, for my faith and at this moment, I'm most thankful for the ability, in two months time, to be able to share this gospel with everyone. To bear testimony to miracles, to faith, to moments in life when we don't think we can stand and to Heavenly Father who carries us. To moments when Heavenly Father moves mountains, and my faith, that is as small as a mustard seed. And the ability for everyone to have moments just like these.
No comments:
Post a Comment