Are you ready for marriage?

I had a little epiphany today and I just thought I would share. It was while I was vacuuming, such a wonderful pastime, and it just hit me. Man, I was so unprepared for marriage. So unprepared. Which is odd for many reasons.


1. I had seen PLENTY of Disney movies.


2. I knew men were nothing like those Disney Princes.


3. I knew marriage was hard, it required sacrifice and that it wasn't going to always be like the honeymoon.

I'm a fairly optimistic person, but I am VERY good at seeing the worst in a situation and/or preparing for the worst. i.e. I prepared myself for the thought that possibly, my husband could have anger problems and hulk out and beat me or something (see that's a prepared person right there).


4. I prepared myself for "the change," the transition that a man goes through when he upgrades from boyfriend to husband. 

I heard it was ugly. I heard they forget what flowers are. I heard romance is a thing of the past. And I prepared accordingly.


I'm trying to say I was READY. And by ready I mean I was scared. I was fickle and I was darn picky. And when I met my husband, I didn't even consider marrying him. I was closed off, I was waiting for the "perfect one," the one where you know.


But not like how other people know, where it's super annoying, but how I would know.


We would click. We'd be in sync. We'd like each other's stuff and feed off each other and we wouldn't even annoy other people with our lovey dovey stuff we'd be so cool. That's how I thought it would be.


And I was wrong. But that's okay.


And I'm not going to tell you how I knew my husband was meant for me, because I think that's such a unique, personal experience (AND SO DIFFERENT FOR EACH PERSON!!) that putting mine down would make someone out there think that theirs should be like mine. And it shouldn't. It should be your own.


But there is something I want to say.


Marriage is so much more about you as a person than you as "twain".


I thought my husband needed to be smart and good looking and strong and funny and have a perfect jawline and eyes that sparkled like the sea and have an Australian accent (and yes, I did put that on a list once). And then I made one of those "real" lists. The list where we put what he actually HAS to have.


Strong testimony
Obedience to the Gospel
Love kids
yada
yada
yada


I'm not saying those aren't important or that you shouldn't have things you won't settle less on, I'm saying this:


What are you going to be like in marriage?


I spent so much time over-analyzing who my spouse would be that I never took the time to see if I would be a good wife.
Could I cook? Sure
Could I clean? Decently
.....is there anything else?


YES! Yes there is!!!


I got married and I found out so many things about myself that I hadn't known before!


1. I protect my heart! Even from my husband!

I was so worried about that day when he hulked out on me that whenever I got frustrated or upset, I just shut down and wouldn't talk to him, wouldn't let him in, wouldn't tell him what was wrong or anything. And that was so hard on him!


2. I put unfair standards on him! 

I had, for so long, told myself that I would be in a "perfect" relationship, that if he didn't do the dishes I would break down and act like he hated me and he didn't respect me and we probably were going to get divorced. NO, SIR. 

Everyone wants that relationship where the man loves the wife soooo much that he even does the dishes for her (or the laundry or the vacuuming, whatever your "thing" is), but just because he doesn't, is not an indication of his love for you!


3. I wasn't ready to be alone. 

My husband lived thousands of miles from my family, so when we got married, I moved away, and even though I thought I was ready for that, I wasn't. Not having friends or family around you puts a big burden on you as a couple because he is really and truly all you have. Now I think it's a blessing because you have to lean on each other, BUT, I turned mine around and put that big burden on my husband to fill, totally and completely by himself.
CONFESSION: A husband cannot replace a mother or a sister. They can do so many things, but rarely that. And it's okay too. Just don't think that, because you're sad and miss your family, it's all your husband's fault.


4. I thought because I had bad days or sad days, it was all my husband's fault and our marriage probably wasn't going to work. 

SO. NOT. TRUE. And telling yourself that/telling your husband that, will really and truly break your marriage.


I think so many times these days we figure out that marriage is hard and we secretly think it shouldn't be, or that we were different from the mold, or our hard was supposed to be different from this kind of hard. And then we get sad, we get frustrated, we think this is how the rest of our life is going to be and we suddenly want out.


It may take ten minutes, it may take ten years, but there will come a moment that your spouse will do something, or (more likely) NOT do something, and you will look at him and think  "wow, you're kind of a jerk" or "wow, I don't think I can live with that" or "wow, he doesn't know me at all. Like at all." or "wow, we aren't in sync. We will never be in sync and I don't even have family near to make me feel some sort of sync-ness."


It was all very dramatic for me, because I refused to believe a marriage is boring in any way, and I twisted it all around and let it eat at me. I wasn't prepared to work hard and give and sacrifice. Thankfully, my husband was. But that was another thing I learned.


5. I'm so super selfish! Like really selfish. Bad. 

My Mom used to call me high maintenance and I never believed her, until I got married. And then I did. Because it was true. And I saw it.


Now I want to be very clear; in the end, marriage IS about the two of you. BUT, so much of my marriage is about me individually. 

How I'm doing that day. How I'm feeling. How accepting am I of what's happening around me. Is today going to be a good day? Am I going to see the good in things?

 You experience a vast amount of things together; the birth of a child, the loss of a job, the loss of a loved one. But, just as important, you experience them individually and how you choose to react to them greatly affects your relationship and how it's going to grow.


You know that saying, "when the mom is happy everyone is happy." Well it's true. And oddly enough, you control how happy you are.


I'm not trying to say that you can't be unhappy, I'm not saying you shouldn't be picky or that there aren't things your spouse needs to work on.


So much of my life was spent day dreaming of my prince charming, only to have those dreams shattered by reality and to then turn bitter because of this, that I never thought to look inside myself and see if I was prepared for what a real marriage entailed.


Because marriage IS hard. And it's not always your husband's fault.

Beauty and society and my daughters

I love my husband, deeply.

And with that love comes an acknowledgement that we are very different creatures, different habits, different thought processes, even different ways and styles of wearing clothes. And some days that's hard but most of the time I simple appreciate that we have the opportunity to learn from each other and grow from each other. Today though the thought hit me that I can't wait for the day Ben has the opportunity to call our daughters beautiful. That his soft words can influence them. 

Bens view is different than mine, so different. He thinks all my flaws are perfect, he has never once criticized me. He loves me for the way I am and has shown me how to look at myself differently. And how to love myself differently. He knows no one is perfect, and doesn't think that everyone has to look the women in TV to be beautiful. 

I have always enjoyed this little fact, but it wasn't until this day that I have considered how much this positive outlook on beauty will affect the daughters we will raise. How much good he will do.  How much he can stop the twisting of thoughts to look for thigh gaps, or a perfect jaw line, to hate any jiggle on their body or extra skin around their waist. 

I don't think I caught how much damage had been done to me until I married Ben and would bring these imperfections of mine to his attention only to discover, to my horror, that he hadn't even noticed! He hadn't taken the time to study exactly how unsymmetrical my curves were. No mind had been paid to the extra fat on my thighs. He has still never commented on the unsightly girth of my waistline. And odd as it sounds he enjoys my back fat, once I pointed it out to him Ofcourse. It's been an interesting process slowly going through each part of me that society said was unacceptable, unattractive, useless and ugly and see how much Ben DOESNT CARE. 

I can't wait to give that shield to our daughters. Prepare them for the war on beauty that they will face. Have him there with his glowing positivity ready to tell them society is wrong and they are

Perfect. 

I'm gettin real sick and tired of your crap society

Okay this is a vent. A BIG one. So back off if your sick and tired of Kayla's crap.

I'm a big fat fatty. AND I LOVE ME. There. I said it. I have weighed 250 pounds before. I STILL weigh over 200 pounds. But I'm okay with it. I know what I look like. I can look great. I can look horrible. I can be sexy (just ask my husband. He think I'm freakin Scarlett Johanson). So get off me society. Get off me skinny jeans, get off me fat neck and jiggly thighs, get off me "bat" arms, and don't even get me started on back fat. I know. I have them all (Not the skinny jeans thing, I just hate them, I always feel like a frog).

I'm great. I have a Father in Heaven that loves me. I have a father in Las Vegas that adores me. I have a mom that thinks I'm "cool" yeah, what up? I can laugh and I can make others laugh. I can love little children. I can look at nature and feel peace. I can go away for a weekend with my husband and come back and love him MORE than when we left. I can clean my house. I can make a baby (I haven't proven that one yet). But I can do the stuff that makes babies! And have fun! I can reach out and help someone that is down. I can read scriptures and say prayers and give service and feel Heavenly Fathers happiness in me. I learn and grow. I can walk for goodness sakes! How incredible is that?! If for that reason only, I know I have a perfect body!

I've recently started running and it's amazed me at what my body can do! How truly strong it is. But I don't think i'm doing it for the right reasons. I did it so that I could become better than other people. Stronger. Faster. Thinner. And that mentality is killing me. So I'm changing that too. I'm doing this for me. To love my body because it can get up and do wonderful things. To keep my body for a long time. To feel good inside and out. I'm not better than anyone. I'm not prettier because I can run. I'm prettier because I can love.

So to all you runners out there hoorah! And all you runners who aren't running today hoorah too!! We're all children of God.

So I have cellulite and stretch marks and I jiggle from time to time (or all the time [I don't keep count people]).

I have a problem: I compare myself to others. And I didn't know how bad it was. And then I got married. And I had to lean on my husband to MAKE me feel pretty. And that isn't fair. Not to him. And in the end it isn't enough. It never will be. No matter how many people call me beautiful. I have to love me for me. Or else I won't be good enough. Not to me at least. I will never be good enough until I tell myself I am. So I am. Right here. In front of....the internet....

I'm good enough. I am divine. For so many reasons. Hundreds. Thousands. Way more than my faults. And I hope everyone sees that.

This is what brought it on. Real sick and tired of you society. Real tired.

The heart apocolypse

So the man that was texting me, the one that saved the day, his name is Ben Downard. When I came home from my mission Ben and I kept in contact via facebook and then cell phones. Well I wasn't into him. I went to the singles ward, ish, and was hung up on some other guy. Well the guy I was hung up on was kind of....mean...ish. And the boys in the singles ward were....the same. It stunk. I just got done being friends with EVERY GUY IN THE WORLD (cause that's all you can be as a missionary, friends, so it was super easy) and then I came home and came back to "we don't talk/hang out/be friends/I don't put any effort into you unless I want to marry you". And it stunk. I hated it.

So as I was talking to Ben about my man woes and we joked about marrying each other (he had lady woes). And that slowly escalated. Which was kind of...hard for me. I really wasn't ready to get married. I was very closed off and way too independent and very..done with the opposite sex. I was extremely into simply taking care of me.

Well one night, after Bens confession that he really would like to marry me and he actually did love me (I said he didn't) in a moment of sheer panic, um excuse me Ben's beautiful [for seriously]) I said "Well what if I suck at kissing?" (let's go back to this post [less than ten fingers people I ain't no pro here]) and he said "Then we'll practice." And my whole world just...exploded. I had never ever EVER in a million years had a man that would "practice" kissing with me if I sucked. EVER. Ben would be willing to put in the effort and work with me BECAUSE I WAS WORTH IT.

And in that moment my heard did this weird banshee thing and that was it, I was hooked.

Pause on the story, random thought time.

Okay so I'm trying to get back into blogging, it's slow going, but I had a thought hit me today that I wanted to blog (always a good sign!) and it was this:

Only the helpless damsel needs a knight in shining armor.

I recently got married, which is incredible given my posts from two years ago (a miracle even!), and I was out driving in the rain and a thought hit me that I really wished Babes (aka the husband) was the one driving me because he does so well in the rain. Then a little swell of pride hit because I knew I could drive in the rain and I was doing it, and well btw, hadn't hit a thing! And oddly enough that thought made me really happy. Super happy. And I pondered how, even though my husband wasn't perfect (ie. he doesn't chauffer me everywhere when it rains), we were still a wonderful happy couple because I can drive myself in the rain.

Which led to the above mention thought: Only the helpless damsel needs a knight in shining armor. Now I'm not saying that you don't need something good, or great, or wonderful, just that he probably won't be a knight. But that's okay because only that lone helpless damsel needs him. You need someone else. Now that someone might be Mr. I chauffer in the rain cause she hits walls. Or Mr. I like to snuggle and I snuggle her out of bad moods. Or maybe Mr. I don't touch her when she's mad, I back away and buy chocolate and flowers and I'm good at it. Who knows.

My point was: be happy with your strengths and find the person that helps with your flaws and you can help with his. Life will never be perfect, so find your strengths, strengthen your flaws and always always always find ways to be happy. There is no other way to live!!

Alive Again

Going on a mission, in one sense, is a lot like dying. You die from the world, you die from TV, you die from family, you die from everyone and everything that you once knew. BUT you get a new life, a new birth, you become this person that never turns on electronics to distract herself, you work 24/7 and have a schedule 24/7 and become this person who learns to truly depend on Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ to help heal the hurt because you have NOTHING else to take it away. It's there 24/7, just like the work that calls your every attention. It's hard, it's long, it's frustrating, it's weird and it's rewarding.

And then one day you leave that world and go home. And that's like dying all over again. The difference is that you fall flat on your face because this new world is hard and mean and cold and empty. But it's your old world. Your old you. An old shell that you have to try and fit the new you into. Needless to say it's been hard.

But then an interesting thing happened. I started talking to this boy...

This is the end.

This is it, my last day at home. Tomorrow I hit the road. The popping of fireworks still disrupts the air like a celebration of my farewell and I love it.

I've been set apart. And it was magical. A peace has settled deep in my soul.

I'm happy. Happy and excited and ready and....peaceful.

I have had things promised to me that seem....magical. I have things that I now want, want with my heart and soul, want almost as much as I want to teach Indians. I'm obviously still greedy.

So, this is my goodbye.

It's been fun. It's been crazy. It's been unexpected. And man am I glad it's finally here.

I love you my blogger readers.

I just have to take a moment and say: Laura, you are amazing. Very amazing. Super amazing. Your comments make me laugh and giggle and shy and happy all at the same time. I can't wait to come back and amuse you some more. And thank you for coming to my farewell, that was magical as well. Seeing your smiling face, so unexpected, my heart burst with joy that I probably didn't convey very well given how crazy anxious I was about talking. I thank you for that parting gift, it was one of my favorites.

I hope everyones heart is full this Fourth of July. I hope you stay safe and appreciate all that is around you while those beautiful explosions fill the air.

If you would like to write me, or want me to write you, my MTC address is as follows:
Sister Kayla Obriann Hanshew
MTC Mailbox # 193
OK-TUL 0727
2005 N 900 E
Provo, UT 84604-1793

Yeah I know, it's long, but worth it. Have a wonderful life for the next eighteen months, and know, you will be missed! BYE! :) I'm off to do great things.

I wished I lived in Sky City-But instead of I'm going to Oklahoma

I've been waiting to write this amazing post, something that was creative and lyrical and beautiful, and nothing has been coming. I leave in a day and a half and I have nothing to say except this:

I'm so freaking excited I can't hardly see straight.

And the best part: I didn't feel like that a few days ago.

A few days ago I was moping, sad, heart broken, clutching at everything and everyone to make sense of a situation I had no control over. I want to vent, heck I did write a vent, a mean and nasty vent with words that would hurt. But I'm not going to post it. And that is why I haven't been able to blog. I've been too tied up in my emotions. Normally I'm very hard and fast, mad or not, mad and very quickly going to get over it, or not mad at all, never mad, don't know who said I was mad but I ain't. But not this time. This time I was....hurt.

And because my friend never talked to me, never asked me about the situation, never gave me the time to try and explain all I can do is say: I'm sorry.

That's it. That's all.

I'm sorry. What I said was...dumb. While it may have been true, I shouldn't have said it.

There it is. The five day accumulation. I went through all the motions, confused, angry, sad, distraught, more angry, super duper angry, never ever going to apologize angry, and now I'm just.....done. I admit my fault in it. I apologize. 

And now to the important stuff:  Me leaving!!!! Ahhhhhhh.

Crazy!! But the best part: I'm so excited. Insanely excited. All my fear is gone and I'm going to kick butt excited. I want to teach. Man do I want to teach. I want to befriend and help and hope and pray and ponder and wonder and awe. I want to feel the Savior so close to me that I wonder if I look behind me quick enough if I will see him. Standing there, a small smile on his face, pride and hope in his eyes, his hands scarred and withered, ushering me forward, telling me I'm doing okay.

I want it all.

I want to teach Native Americans. INDIANS!!! Yes. I want to teach them. Of course when I say that I picture myself reenacting the first Thanksgiving simply with less anger and a BOM under each arm.

I want to see a tornado. TORNADO. And yes, my chances are pretty good.

I want to see double lightening, yeah, that happens out there. I'm cool, I know.

I want to wear the name tag that gives me the power to share this Gospel like no other.

Call me greedy but I want it all. I want to be worthy of it all. I want to work so hard that I can't keep my head up at night. I want to pray so hard my hands hurt. I want to work so closely with my Father in Heaven that I'll know he's my Father in Heaven, that I'll feel he's my Father in Heaven, that I'll willingly sacrifice cause he's my Father in Heaven, without thought.

I want it all. And I especially want those Indians.

The Art of Dying

These are my last days.
These are my last moments.
These are the last pictures these eyes will see.
This is my last smile, to the last boy I will talk to.
The sun is brighter through my window, knowing it will die when I go.
And for this moment, this last fleeting moment, the world seems so perfect to me. So wonderful in all it's simple plainness I wonder why I wanted to leave it.
The pool I found boring, the pink sun kissed skin, splashes, all better than before.
The air is crisper, the time faster.
I love the art of dying.
But I love the art of living even more.


I, am happy.

My farewell talk

I give my farewell talk in church next Sunday, scary, and my Bishop still hasn't given me a topic to speak on. So I'm pretty much using my authority as an indpendent woman, that's really in the Singles Ward, and telling my home ward Bishop what I want to do my talk on The Holy Ghost.

It's going to be awesome. And scary. You should come.

I'll even try and be funny, no promises though.

Kayla out.

Oh the hypocrisy

I haven't posted since I quit my job, now that I have all this time I'm obviously too busy to get on and post, rude.

Anyway, sad day: I had to take back my ipod touch. And because I was so mad at it, it freakin gave me problems from day ONE, I told the lady I didn't want a new ipod touch, I wanted just a simple IPod. So I took it back and got an IPod classic, 160 GB ftw, and saved fifty bucks, but now I miss my IPod touch. IT HAD FACEBOOK ON IT, I pretty much forgot what a computer was because it had so many freaking amazing apps on it.

Well I'm just going to have to man up because I couldn't take the IPod touch with me into the mission field anyways. But I can take this new, less cool, IPod though. Whatevs. I'm turning my life over to the Lord and all that jazz. Just kidding I'm totally serious about being spiritual and stuff. Anyway, have a great week!

Appreciate your location in life

Funniest thing? I just got to end my job, my (mostly, always) boring job that was super stressful and that I was absolutely horrible at, and as I sit in my house I look around me and think "What the heck am I going to do?" I always appreciated my job, knew that it made me money, and that I could NOT have a job and how much that was going to suck. And even as I was preparing myself to quit I kind of paded my goodbye, I psyched myself up, telling myself I WAS going to miss things but that I would be okay, that I might very well find moments where I wish I hadn't quit it so early because I could and would and will get bored.

But as I sat in my room and glanced around I got this feeling, this creepy, small, lonely feeling, that my life had so much more meaning in it when I had a job. That I had people that depended on me, that I had something I would plan around, that I had this wonderful constant in my life, and now that's gone.

It's making me sad in a completely different way. Never, ever, under appreciate what you have, even if you think you aren't, there's always something you aren't putting into the equation. And that something is always the one that comes up and bites you in the butt later.

My Days

My days are filled with trying to kick a cold, and writing a handsome boy, trying to stay positive about leaving, and leaving room for honesty, trying to be strong yet admitting that It's okay to be afraid, staring at my sister and asking myself what I will do without her, changing my hair and wondering why the heck I did that, painting my nails and feeling like a different person, trying to remember to eat, and then to not eat too much, saying goodbye, and then saying hello, packing up clothes, then wondering what I'm going to wear, being forgiving, then being forgiven, wondering, and then praying, crying and then wondering why I can't, my room, the world, my car, my feet, life, and everything inside of it.

Keep your eyes awake and your heart fresh, never ever be afraid to smile, let your heart see things in a new light, and let it close for the day at times, sleep can and will cure all problems, use it often.

Scratch that

Whilst that last post IS a good song, this one is much better for describing my mood. AKA I'm being emo. Bear with me.

Music

When all else fails, listen to music.

Big Jet Plane

My Mission area keeps getting hit with tornadoes. I'm packing two pairs of work shoes.

Happy Post

Good times to be had by all!

Actually not so much. If these past two years have taught me anything it's this: Life often sucks. Hard. So with that in mind I would also like to state this: It also rocks. Hard.

And it's how we keep these two from getting too out of hand that I want to speak on tonight.

Suckiness goes first:
I have seriously dated ONE man. One. I'm twenty years old.
The total number of dates I have been on in MY LIFE I can count on TWO hands. Only two (and for you slow folks out there it's less then ten [or maybe about ten, I wasn't thinking it was going to become this big of an issue so I never kept track. but it isn't a whole lot])
I had ONE best friend in high school, like straight soul mate status, and she left directly after high school and I had ZERO friends for almost two years (That would be how my sister and I became so close)
I hated school and decided college was not for me (I no longer stand by that idea for anyone looking for some solid life lessons)
I found an amazing job and work for amazing people but strongly dislike law (I also SUCK at it) and let me tell you when work is the only thing you have going in your life when you aren't good at it you might as well go and kill yourself. Cause you feel about that good.

Now you might be saying "Goll Kayla, your life isn't that bad." And you would be right. I had a job, period, I lived with my family and no bills, period. But I felt that I was hating myself and my life more often than not and that quickly can lead to allot of things ie. drugs, alcohol, depression, suicide, theatre. And I didn't want any of those things so I did something else and here it comes:

The FIX ALL:
Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ.
So easy, doesn't even take up a whole line.

Now this fix it isn't easy (hardly) but it is the only one that works. I found very quickly that even though I had people in my life that love me, you know who you are, they had lives and problems of their own and couldn't sit and baby me while I was having a hard time, it's all good, you're forgiven. But there was someone there that could and would and still will: Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. And sometimes they were the only ones that wanted to hear about how I saw a guy who was so cute and we could so have cute babies and how I wanted to be married and how I was made for so many good things and why was I fat and why didn't men like me and did people lie when they said I was funny cause no guy seems to like me?

And I cried alot. A LOT. But I made it through, and it turned out to be a huge growing experience and I'm...stronger...oddly enough. I look at women now and yes I understand their desire to have a man but I can also say "Learn. Take this time to see more deeply what you want, and to appreciate a man for what he truly will be and to see what you will be. And just grow."

OH and my other tip: Laugh. Often, and hard. Sometimes that was the only thing that kept me from getting all emotional and crazy cutter lady on people. It works.

And in case my words have given you nothing to think about/suck I leave you with this amazing quote:
"The cure for anything is salt water: sweat, tears, or the sea."
--Isak Dinesen
 
And I completely stand by that. Have a happy week all.

Mothers Day

Well technically it's the day after Mothers Day but I just...well I have this thought....and it won't go away....so here it is.

We are all Mothers.

My friend had to give a talk in church today...or yesterday, technically, and to a room full of single non mothering woman talking about being a mom is going to be either pointless or a whole lot of hypotheticals. But my friend found a talk and I read this talk and immediatly one thing stuck out to me: Mothers are awesome. And I said that to her, and she pretty much said I didn't get it. And then she went on to talk about how it isn't Mothers that are awesome but the qualities of Mothers is awesome, a quality that all women possess. And how as a women we don't need to have a child to be Mothers.

And it took my breath away, me who is almost twenty one and about to embark on a journey that is opposite of men and a family, me, who has recently decided that kids were a long, long ways off, sucked up this concept with every fiber of my being. Clung to this idea that I can be something, train for something, prepare for something that scares me to death. That in my ability to love everyone, to be kind, to trust, to hold, to respect, to look after, to serve, I better myself for when I have children of my own (oh yuck barf). I'm sorry, I love kids, I really, really do. I always have. Heck I was told from the time I turned ten until the day I stopped babysitting constantly, 18, that I was going to make an amazing Mother. But lately....I just can't picture kids, I know I will have them, my life wouldn't be complete without kids, but it's still so far off that just the idea of kids makes me sick to my stomach.

Sorry, off point. Moral: We are all Mothers, whether we have kids or not, and we need to act like it.

The End. Happy Mothers Day.

The World Around Us

I had a tough weekend this past week. On Thursday April 28, 2011 I found out that someone I love very very much could be sick, extremely sick, life changing sick. I cried. I did my homework, I checked life expectancy, I checked symptoms, I checked how it would affect that person and me and my family. And I cried some more. I thought about my Mission and what to do about that. I thought about my family and how things will change. I covered alot of ground. And we didn't tell anyone. We kept it to ourselves because we weren't 100% sure this person was really sick. We were waiting for one last, final, big, thorough test to tell us exactly what was wrong. And so I prayed. A quick prayer that asked Heavenly Father to help me, to get me through this, and to keep me strong. And I was okay. I made it through work, I made it through the weekend and on Saturday night I got on my knees and prayed again.

And I did something I don't normally do. I asked my Father in heaven something bold, something I knew he could do but I wasn't sure I was entitled to, I asked him to cure someone I loved, to not only grant me the strength to endure, if this sickness was his will, but if possible to take this sickness away, to move a mountain, my mountain. I cried, I cried because I wanted it, more than I wanted anything at the moment, but it felt selfish, and I knew that Heavenly Father doesn't give you what you want, but what you need. And so I cried because I thought I had already lost.

--Now I want something to be clear, when I got the news my mind split in two about my Mission, me going, or me staying. The sickness that this person had wasn't something that happened quickly, they could live another 20-50 years, but it was a somewhat unpredictable sickness in that it weakens you, so time wasn't always on your side. But more importantly was how my family was going to do with this sickness, could they handle such an important person being sick? And another thought hit me, it was something I had heard from alot of Sister Missionaries "It's amazing the things Satan will throw at you before your Mission to keep you from going." Was this a test? Was this Satan? And in that moment, with those questions, my mind snapped to one decision and clung with all it's might. I was going. Before I even said my quick prayer at work, through the tears and the wikipedia searching I knew I was still going. Nothing would ever change that.--

So during my prayer on Saturday night I did something I wasn't very proud of, I threw my Mission at The Lord, not an 'in your face' kind of thing but in a 'what about this?' way. A 'what about me? what about our plans? Why are you killing this person that I love and need?' and I fasted the next day. Keeping this person in mind and hoping for the impossible.

And I pushed all sadness away. I pushed away being upset and scared until we got the last test results back, until it was final. And I can say that I was....fine. Completely and totally fine. I'm not sure how I was going to be when I got the results back, when I knew that it was serious, that this person was sick and that wasn't going to change. But I was so....okay. I was also very sure and very ready to accept that this person was sick. That it was final. But I felt that my fast was already helping me because I was stronger, steadier. I was still sad, it was sad. But everything would be okay, honestly, looking back, I shouldn't have felt like that. At. All.

And then I saw this person this morning. Goll this perfect person, this person I love so much, and I talked to them and they told me a story about a sister missionary, and I cried a little as I drove away to go to work. And three hours later I got a call.

"Everything is fine. It was a false alarm. The Doctor doesn't understand what happened. He's pissed." And I was so relieved. Still am. I don't....I don't know how to explain it. I'm so....touched, amazed, inspired, shocked, awed, grateful for my Father in Heaven, for fasting, for prayers, for miracles, for my life, for my decisions, for my faith and at this moment, I'm most thankful for the ability, in two months time, to be able to share this gospel with everyone. To bear testimony to miracles, to faith, to moments in life when we don't think we can stand and to Heavenly Father who carries us. To moments when Heavenly Father moves mountains, and my faith, that is as small as a mustard seed. And the ability for everyone to have moments just like these.

The Lady I want to be

That right there is the lady I want to be. The lady I want to be so bad I can taste it. See that smile? That smile I want, I want the way her eyes shine, I want the kindness in her face, I want dainty hands, I want to be able to wear green pants and not look like a freaking weirdo.

Sometimes I feel like this lady.
And sometimes I feel the opposite of this.

And  yes, I believe in being yourself, completely. But sometimes you see someone shine and you want to capture that twinkle, just a little. And this lady blazes like the sun. Something about her blows me away. Maybe it's that she is artistic, I'm not. Or maybe simply that she is breathtaking, putting my hand down there. Or maybe that she sees beauty in everything, that she has the simplest, but most romantic and beautiful, dream of living in a bright house with fresh flowers and a man that will dance with her right there in the living room. Or maybe it's that she is so beautiful, and so breathtaking and yet in the corner she has a little glimpse into her mortality, a little dissaray, a little humanity, a simple mess. But that only makes me like her more.